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After a day like this, everything else is a piece of cake.

What would you do, if you had to play chess against Fortune?
Helaas¹, such games are hard to evade.
The worst matches are the ones where you think you’ll win; until you realize:
There is no table Fortune couldn’t turn.

However, there are two ways you can increase your chances:
#1: Go all in.
Prove yourself worthy in the face of all hindrance and calamity, sweat blood and do everything in your will to achieve victory. Such attitude may not bring the desired result immediately, but with time and effort Life will bend, and eventually yield.

#2: Pick your battles wisely.
If you rush heedlessly into every seemingly great opportunity, you won’t have time to prepare, execute and reflect properly. What’s the point of making mistakes if you can’t take the time to learn from them? Some battles are meant to be lost, even before you picked them. Foresee those matches and refuse to play them.

To my own folly, I ignored the latter.

It’s been 3 months since we’ve last seen each other.
My First Muse and I came to the point where we put all our cards on the table.

Confession after confession, things became more and more gloomy.
I could’ve just gone to sleep, but it was just about time to put the final nail in the coffin.
Life was not meant to be lived in a constant soul-ache.
The past few weeks I had a lot of trouble with clear thinking. As an ENFJ, this is one of those areas in Life where I struggle a lot with processing.
Things were going great in many ways; I improved in sports, earned enough money and my social life was fairly satisfying.
The only thing that was missing is a little affection, mutual understanding and shared intimacy. Being stuck once again, right in the middle of the Maslow Pyramid.

By the time our talk was over, She cracked me. 
Not my mind, heart or body; but my spirit. Nevertheless, the rest was soon about to fall with it.
The fire which was once my fuel ended up burning down everything.
As the pain grew more and more severe, my mind started to supply me with many horrible ideas, each more harmful than the other.
Then, as the rainy clouds would gather around me, wrapping my head in a thick draining fog, my heart too; would fall to their reign.
I had to grip my chest to ease the ache, breathe slowly and try to sleep.
Time passed, I was supposed to wake up at 5:36; but the torment wouldn’t cease.
At this point, I already knew I wouldn’t be able to go to work, it was 2 am and my shift starts at 6:30. I picked up my phone and sent a message:
Hey boss, I feel a little a sick…I don’t think I’ll make it to work today.
Then turned it off and let the struggling contest begin.

One of the main reasons I left my home country was to avoid this, but here I was, committing the same mistake; but this time with no intention to run away.

“Lands and cities are left astern, your faults will follow you whithersoever you travel.”

Seneca

I knew the flaw was in me, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
So there I was, watching my mental state collapse, without even trying to stop it.
By 6 am, my entire body was as weak as a fallen autumn leaf, dried by the sun’s heat.
When the clock struck 10, it has taken over everything. I couldn’t move, couldn’t cry and couldn’t speak. All I could do was silently stare at the ceiling.
Not once was the blow of Fortune this devastating.
It was the eleventh time; should I just give up and stop trying?
No; Not me. – and a tear appeared.
Then another, followed by an army of them – forming a river on my cheeks.

I managed to get out of bed at 11, and force a glass of water in my body.
On the way down to the kitchen I nearly fell. The amount of strength and control I had over my limbs was just as trifling as my faith in succeeding at anything. I tried to eat some food, but nothing more than a small banana could reach my cramping belly.
After crawling back up on the stairs, I had a choice to make:
Go back to bed, or do something. Choosing the former would’ve made me a hypocrite, which I shall never be; so I checked my to-do list:
#1 – Grocery shopping
The sun was shining, and I couldn’t let the clouds gain more power and consume me, thus the decision was made.

A person who chugged down 2 bottles of Russian vodka would’ve beaten me in a competition at dressing; I could barely put myself in a shirt.
It’s a very interesting discovery. Seeing yourself in such a state, unable to control anything, while at other times your strength and focus is so slick that you do handstand push-ups and V-sits.
I stepped out of the house, put on the song that gives me strength like nothing else and used it to keep me moving, however unwilling my body seemed to be.
As I was walking through the town my sight was blurry; but not my vision.
I knew that Poseidon was proud of me, for one does not cast a sea out of his eyes so fearlessly.
There is no shame in being who you are. Crying in public is not something to be worried about, it’s you, who has those feelings; no one else.

On the way home I realized one thing: Nothing would make a difference, unless I did.
So I decided to grab every opportunity to speak Dutch, write the outline for this post the second after I packed out my groceries and go for a workout while the spring weather was still blessing the country.
My focus was horrible, for the first time in two years I couldn’t hold a handstand, but the strength! I haven’t felt such power in my body in ages, everything seemed so effortless. The soft sobbing, sunlight and a little movement got me back on track.

At home I turned to my favorite Stoic philosopher: Seneca the Younger.
His thoughts can heal many wounds, even these.

For what else are you busied with except improving yourself every day, laying aside some error, and coming to understand that the faults which you attribute to circumstances are in yourself?

Seneca

After an hour of reading, I was fortunate enough to realize these:
– I still have my health, limbs and senses. Nothing has harmed me, the way I think does the harm to myself; but why, when this experience only added value to my life, and haven’t taken anything? It is my greed that causes my suffering.
– Fortune could’ve cast upon me the worst kind of diseases, misery or even death; instead She gifted me with priceless memories, kisses and experiences.
Nothing can take these moments away, they are forever preserved in the past.
– It’s pointless to focus on things outside our circle of influence. Such endeavors bring no results, but putting effort in the things we can change will certainly have an impact.
After all, nothing is written in stone, and the future is full of unforeseen surprises.
– Plus, I still eat her godverdomme² fart bombs every single day.

My goals for the end of the year – 2019.12.31 were to:

• Learn to hold the One Arm Handstand (3-5 seconds)
• Become Fluent in Dutch (Speak Dutch for an entire day – No English allowed)
• Read 12 books to expand my knowledge (12/14)

But it’s time to use this pain as a stepping stone, and raise the stakes.
Hereby I solemnly swear that I will achieve these goals by 2019.08.17, and refuse to allow any adversity to stop me.

If you take away one thing from this post, let it be this:
You could be lost, robbed of ambition and joy; tortured and burned to ashes –
For a minute you may feel destroyed, but remember:

There are places to see, languages to learn, moments to share; and Love to experience.

Let this light your fire, rise from your ashes and grow anew – shall then you fly once again; just like a Phoenix.

Take care my Friends.
Erik

15.05.2019 – Day 114

[Dutch Dictionary]
¹Helaas – Unfortunately
²Godverdomme – Goddamn