I had a chat with the suicide prevention hotline the other day.

Things weren’t going well, and I had nobody to turn to or talk with.
Reaching out for help seemed to be the only possibility.

When they picked up, they started to ask questions about where I am and what I’m doing.
– At home, I’m safe. I’m not under the influence of any substance.
This sentence was enough for them to close the case.
They simply told me that I’m on the wrong place.

Apparently if you’re not in immediate danger, you can’t talk with anybody.
– If I put a knife next to my veins, would that allow me to use this service?
Silence. The guy didn’t know what to say.
I wished him a good evening and hanged it.

You’d think that “prevention” stands for preventing you from getting to the point where you actually try, but it’s for the occasion where you’re only seconds away from doing it.
Having a gun in your mouth sounds kinda late to me, but who am I to define the term anyway?

I’m telling you this because Life isn’t just sunshine and rainbows as I mostly depict it. The road to your dreams isn’t paved with gold bricks – But I promise you one thing: You’ll walk away with something valuable today – and my word is something I always keep.

I was completely drained. The sudden sickness of my Mom left me worried and afraid. This, and many other things kept me from resting properly. For the first time in my Life, I couldn’t lift my weight. I was just laying there, repeating: “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it.“
Getting out of bed seemed impossible, even though I just cycled 110 km two weeks ago. The alarm clock went off for the 6th time that morning, but I was still under the blanket.
“How is this even possible?” I asked myself.
The reason was clear, but I didn’t yet see it.

Eventually I climbed out of bed and went to work at 7 am.
I knew that a good workout would give me the boost I need, so I was patiently cleaning through the day, waiting to finally change my clothes and hit the gym; do some handstands and my usual monkey things.
I couldn’t do any of it.
I couldn’t, in any way, use my body. This has NEVER happened to me. After struggling for 40 minutes, I gave up and went home to write a bit. There are 10+ stories waiting to be finished, but I couldn’t touch any of it. I couldn’t write a single sentence properly. That’s when it hit me.

I can’t find joy in the things that I used to love doing.
No more reading, writing or language learning.
No more training, stretching or cooking.
No more work, business or side hustling.
That’s when I came to the conclusion that Life was not meant for me.

But I was terribly wrong. And stupid.

It was ME who caused all this.
Whenever something bad happened, I tried to make up for it by doing more of these, turning them into a chore instead of something pleasurable.

Friends turning their backs?
– Let’s work more then!
Bad news from my Family?
– Bring it on, let’s put some more hours in!
Breakups, hardships; anything else that made me lose sleep;
– The more I work the better my Life will be!

The plan to drown myself in work failed miserably.
I was working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week – just to create an illusion that “The future is going to be great, as long as you work like hell today!“
So I lived for tomorrow and ignored today, but tomorrow never came.
I denied every drop of joy, telling myself “You’ll have fun when the time comes, but it’s too early!“

I ended up with a fat wallet and an empty stomach.
Chasing money got me rich, but my soul has paid for it.
I’ve lost myself on the way to my dreams – and that cost me everything.

Family, Friends, Love, Well-being. I’ve had all of it.
And lost them the second I changed.

Now that I look back it’s all clear, I know what was the mistake:
I took Life too seriously. I forgot who I am and why I came here.

Not gonna lie, I didn’t always know what I was doing – but when I did, amazing things started happening.
Great people started to gather around me, Love found me, whenever I looked for it, wonderful opportunities came in my way.

Everything fell into my lap, basically. (The Alchemist calls it “Beginner’s Luck” – and I’ve had plenty of it.)

But as the months passed by, I became impatient and greedy. I wasn’t doing things for fun anymore, but for money and fame. I started to care about what people think (that’s why I dyed my hair pink, to escape it) – but none of those are important to the Real Erik.
The people who got to know me in the first 6 months since I moved here know this.
But by that morning, the Erik they’ve known was completely gone.

“How would the best version of me solve this?”
This question can help you tackle everything.

The answer came immediately:
– Stop working. Just stop everything you hate doing.

So today I went to work with the determination to quit.

My boss was already pissed in the morning. Being a manager is a tough job and stressing is a part of it. I decided to wait until we finish.
As I was cleaning, I started to feel calm again.
“What would the best version of me do after he quits?“
– He would take his time to find himself; to not make the same mistake again.
Then, the ideas flooded in:
“I could just move again; spend some time at another place. How about France, Switzerland or Spain? It would certainly help with my 4th language. I could also visit my parents, or do something risky.
Fuck, I miss uncertainty.“

That was it.
Certainty. It’s my kryptonite.
Every great thing that happened to me when I moved here was because I was uncertain about how am I gonna solve it.
But I always do, and I’ve always did.

“Whatever happens, I can handle it“
This mentality is the biggest “Life Hack” you’ll ever need.
It’ll get you through the dark days, even if you’re in a really bad place.

So when the clock hit 12, I called my boss in the meeting room and told her that I’m leaving.
I’ve been cleaning for 8 months, it’s time for a change.
She understood what I said and printed the form the next minute.

Yesterday I was a slave to my own stupidity, dreading Life and thinking about quitting it.

Today I’m free, full of dreams and once again – uncertain about how Life will be.

“What is true for writing and for a love relationship is true also for Life. The game is worthwhile insofar as we don’t know what will be the end.”

– Michel Foucault

Remember: You always have a choice. Always.
Sometimes the options are shitty indeed, but you gotta make the best of it.
What’s the alternative?
Don’t wait until things get miserable, you’re digging your own grave.
Choose to change before it’s too late.

Take care,
Erik

12.11.2019 – Day 295