Most of us can remember the time and place when we experienced something very special or unique.
An example will probably pop up in your mind just by reading this.
Let it be falling in Love, getting a Job, or having our first Kiss; we treasure that memory as long as we Live.

Some of these moments were a coincidence, occurred by luck or perhaps they were destined by fate.
Others are the fruit of hard work, patience and bravery.
Whatever the reason may be, there is one thing in common with all these:

They fundamentally change the way we see, feel or think.
From then on, Life isn’t the same.

This is a Story about curing self-sabotage, battling crippling fears and breaking down barriers that stand between us and the kindness & love we wish to receive.
It is meant to show you an example that it’s possible to change; and that yesterday’s pain doesn’t have to define who you are today.
Whether you’re lonely, hopeless or in pain, I want you to know that there is a way to crawl out of that dark pit and build the future of your dreams.

Kick back, relax, and enjoy while you read.

1)
It’s September 1st, 2016.
New School, new mates, new beginnings. A clean slate.
“I must not fuck this up, just this once…” I whisper, before I enter the classroom on the first day.

“Alright, in the movies the cool guys are always one bench away from the prettiest ladies.“
I step in, look around.
A lot of them were pretty. Way too many. Even my soon-to-be homies.
“Okay, plan B. Cool guys sit in the back too, don’t they?“
I chose a bench far away from the teacher’s reach.
Mission accomplished.

The room was about 90% full already, but I still had an empty chair next to me.
A Girl came in 5 minutes late, swiftly sneaking through the lines to hop on that very seat.

She looked like a Rebel, seemingly quite timid.
The only thing I remember her wearing is a handmade panda-beanie with cute little ears.
Her hair was astounding. Every shade had its place.
A touch of blonde, some natural on the top; and a hint of red hidden underneath.
Is she one of those social activists?
Here we go again, judging after the first glimpse.

According to the movies, cool guys barely say anything, but when they do, the whole class starts laughing.
This pretty much rules out the possibility to initiate a convo with anybody.
[Side note: Making decisions based on films is not a good idea, trust me.]
“Bon appetit!” She whispers, as I pull out a box of rice with meat.
“Thanks” – I said, nonchalantly.
Back then, I had no idea how crucial that moment would be in our journey.

2)
If one piece is missing from my memories, it’s the day when we actually started talking. She definitely made an impression on me, but I don’t remember trying to get to know her intentionally. Yet, somehow we began to develop our very special friendship.
There was one social obstacle though, which I knew clearly: I was still endlessly clumsy, especially with ladies.

In any case, there was a kind of pull – so to say.
I couldn’t explain, nor understand it – it was just there, doing its thing.
Weeks passed by, and I discovered that the Woman who seemed to be the quietest in the entire building (+1200 students, 65%+ were not males) appears to be the most interesting.
She was, too, a bit shy and clumsy. But not like me.

A little over 2 months in, she passed me this: A proper Rose – made out of tinfoil.
The day was 9th of November, I still remember it.

She seemed to care a lot about how I feel, even if it was an utter disaster to get to know me.
If confidence was warmth or heat, then I lived in a fridge.
I was quite funny, in a decent shape – yet very fragile and indecisive.
Regardless of what was visible on the surface, this was the reality – and I didn’t want anyone to find out about it.

I could act cool the whole day, in the end, it didn’t change a thing: The game was new, the rules were unclear and the controls were confusing. It was like trying to watch TV in a foreign language. Without subtitles you don’t get shit. Weirdly enough, none of this annoyed her. She was patient and didn’t mind that I made mistakes.

I was scared to death at the sheer thought of touching someone without a permit. Physically connecting was still the #1 item on my fear list – my mind couldn’t conjure up a single scenario where it went smoothly.
Rejections, rejections, rejections. Playing on a loop endlessly.
I was certain that my past has permanently paralyzed me socially, and that for the rest of my Life I’ll be the “awkward kid”

Then She gave hugs to me.

Not just one, but many.
Those warm 20-30 seconds were the best parts of that school year.
If She only knew how much strength such things could give me.
It wasn’t just the hug, I’ve got a few of those over the years, but none of them felt genuine, they lacked the intent to actually wrap me in those arms and hold me.
But She did. She held me tight and put a huge smile on my face.
The world isn’t that cruel after all – A beam of light came into my dark little cave.

Before Christmas came, She took me to a DIY shop and asked for help at choosing fabric strings – She was about to make a bracelet for me.
The appropriate response was to give something also handmade.
That’s how the idea came: Gift a handmade origami to every Woman who made an impact on me.
Luckily the risk of mass production wasn’t a threat in my case.

When the time came, it was still in the making.
She couldn’t finish it before the winter break, but there was something else she made:
When January came, along with my birthday – this Girl shows up with an entire cake. Nobody could believe it, especially me. She’s known me for a couple of what – weeks? and She proceeds to bake a whole cake.
At this point, the World started to seem like a really nice place.

Our friendship was very solid already, but this put a huge pillar under the bridge we’ve build.
Though I was still clumsy, her patience didn’t wear thin. After all, my integration to social life just began, and I was 20.
However silly, awkward or dummy I’ve been, it never scared her away.

Bit by bit, I started to believe that one day I could become “The Man” I wished to be. Confident, honest, authentic. There was a very long road ahead of me, but thanks to her I realized that it wasn’t a hopeless undertaking. The chance was finally there, no matter how tiny.

The first time I started to feel something, it wasn’t completely clear.
I knew that my heart rate would increase (i.e: double) when She was close to me.
When we poked or tickled each other – which was common practice – I was completely absorbed in how much fun it is, even if our classmates were annoyed to death by it. It was something I yearned for many-many years. A little playfulness with trust & certainty, that the other person isn’t disgusted of me. Such assumption was the default belief in every encounter I had with other human beings.
I was still afraid, very afraid. But She gave me space, and I could grow in my own pace.

I wish there were words in a language that could describe the intense fear; the way of trying to get close to someone physically made me feel.
“Nonononono! Don’t do it! Do you want to get spit in the face? Do you want them to vomit?“
My brain did a pretty good job at keeping me at bay.
Rule #1: No touching. You don’t want them to lose appetite for a week.

It felt like I could actually jump off a bridge rather than to grab her hand and hold it. I really wanted to know how it feels, but the fear would rip my heart apart just by thinking about it.

No matter how much time we spent together, this thing didn’t change.
I was afraid to death, the fear of rejection paralyzed me.
Eventually, of course, She did it.
I remember feeling so happy, that I could literally run for president and win the campaign.
Those moments were the warmest in the past few years.
After 20 years, I finally made it. A human being on earth wasn’t disgusted of me.

3)
In hindsight, it was my fault. All of it.
The mentality I had was horrible, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It kept me cursed for years, the more blamed the World, the worse it became. It was just convenient to stay in a dark place and not take responsibility.
“Self-concept is destiny” – I found a quote in a psychology book* about self-esteem.
That’s when it hit.
Everything that happened to me socially was the product of my own thinking.
If I considered myself a shitty, worthless human being – how could I expect others to treat me fairly?
From then on, I decided to change and become the best person I can be.

It was the very first domino, and she helped me push it.
The effects weren’t immediate, but just like a snowball rolling down from a mountain or a hill, it turned into an avalanche eventually.

Step by step, people started to like me and enjoy my company a lot more than ever before in history.
Though I still sucked at flirting.

We started to spend more and more time together, relatively. After school, during breaks. Sometimes in the evening. If the class was out drinking, I could always crash at her place, since there was no public transport that would take me back to where I lived.

The end of the school year was coming, which meant summer was about to begin.
Most of the classes were utterly useless and boring. Some of them were worse than 12th grade mathematics. Luckily, if you knew how to cheat, getting straight A’s without studying was always a possibility.
Since using your phone was forbidden – not like it stopped anybody – I had to find a way to pass 7 dry hours, 5 times a week. Chatting with friends or playing games were a good way to begin, but there were other things I enjoyed way more than new high scores or gossiping:
Getting lost in her eyes whenever she sat next to me.
They were Green, with a capital G.
If she challenged the Sun in a staring contest; it would blush and turn away.
Nothing could match her four-leaf clover iris.
It wasn’t the only thing. She could’ve taken over the World just by smiling.
Not once did I miss the opportunity to make her laugh. Those little dimples on her cheeks made my heart burn with the fire of a thousand furnaces. Every single memory I have of it is as sharp as the sword of the Japanese.
On certain days I was particularly happy to commute 1,5 hour in the morning, because I knew that the schedule would put us in the same place. Though most of the time it was gambling – once again, She was always late – the euphoria of seeing her walk in and hop next to me was unknown to my brain.

All these crumbs of positivity – dosed almost daily – gave me the confidence to finally start writing.
“The blood of an artist flows in your veins” – some people reading my stuff kept saying, but it never felt real.
Until I realized that this is the same mistake I made socially: Undervalue everything that’s related to me.

“I was going to sign you up for a competition in writing…” – She says, then looks away.
“…but I didn’t yet do it“
We were walking back from the “Bull’s Park” next to the university during a break.
– You can’t! I’m not that good to compete. Besides, I barely have anything to write about anyway.
Immediately on the defensive. Scared and indecisive.
She showed me the details, but I was too big of a pussy to take my chances and just go for it.
When the deadline to sign up passed away, regret came and started knocking.
In the next couple of weeks, I started scribbling short stories and published them in a Facebook group publicly. Every time I was one click away from posting, a deep sense of self-doubt took over me, but her faith in my talent echoed stronger than the fears, so the writings eventually made it out, and received a lot of praise.

By now I was doing very well socially; fairly popular and well-liked within multiple cliques. The struggle with creativity was on the way to getting fixed. The quality of how I behaved and expressed myself improved immensely, but I still couldn’t come over the thickest barrier between the World and me:
The fear of being rejected held me hostage.

At one evening when the class went out to get some drinks, I figured that getting drunk would increase my chances at being more…”interactive”
After around 2 liters of beer, I felt pretty okay, but the fact that everyone was around us didn’t ease my fears, so I figured my best bet would be on the way home to her place.
When we got on the bus, it became clear that I’m unable to use my brain.
Even though it might sound like “the perfect state” , I just sat there silently through the whole trip, accepting the reality that I’ll always be a coward, no matter how much I drink.

Now, if my memories don’t cheat, she wanted to sleep on the ground and offer her bed to me.
Obviously I couldn’t let it, but I was also terribly afraid to suggest that “both of us fit on it”
There was a long, awkward silence as we were staring at each other with tired eyes and tipsy spirits.
She eventually climbed up next to me, laid on her side and gave me the chance to become a big spoon if I felt like it.
I did, and knowing that this is the now or never moment I’ve been waiting for the whole evening, I did nothing.
If she only signed me up for a competition at being a pussy, by now I would have a World-record and 16 trophies. Being very disappointed and pissed, I slowly raised my finger and traced it on her back unconsciously. She came a little closer, and I felt a rush of oxytocin that not even drug addicts can easily achieve.
“For fucks sake, she’s not disgusted, you can clearly see!” – my mind yells at me, until I finally wrap my hand around her waist and feel the most intense warmth to ever flood my body.
The smell of her hair and the comfort of being this close to somebody wiped out my need to sleep, as I gently caressed her knuckles with my thumb, stroking them up and down very slowly.
There is no sedative on Earth that could recreate that sensation of calmness and peace.
The person who woke up the next day wasn’t the same as the one who fell asleep yesterday.

4)
We were seen holding hands here and there a lot since that evening.
Not because we were dating, simply because it felt good to do it. There were brief moments when she’d lay her head on my shoulder, just for a tiny bit – which was enough for the head teacher to mock us occasionally, but not in a rude way.
Life was great; she made me feel alive in a way that nothing else could or did previously.

On June 12th, 2017 – The last week of the school year – she figured that we should meet in the City at her workplace, where we could get some delicious ice cream for free.
Casual and easy, nothing that would trigger my anxiety.
Though as harmless as it seemed, I still felt like it’d be a good idea to do some research in the areas where I seriously lack knowledge. Starting with: Kissing.

I remember reading at least 6 articles, but none of them could make it any clearer for me.
“Yea-yea, I get it, gently but firmly…but how do the lips move EXACTLY?!” – my autism peaked.
“Alright YouTube, help me.”
4 videos later I had some realizations, but it was still very very confusing. Apparently ~70% of the population tilts their head to the right when they kiss, while for me, it felt more appropriate to be a “lefty”
After around 45 minutes of intense self-education, I felt confident enough to not be catastrophic.
I did my best to learn about and avoid making the most common mistakes.

“But it’s just an ice cream!” – You might say
Let me put a quote here:

“It’s better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one, than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”

– Les Brown

Besides, I was far more likely to win the lottery than to have the balls to kiss a Lady.

It was around 4 or 5 ‘o clock when I got the ice cream shop. The summer heat was already upon us, but not the deadly kind with 34° Celsius (~93°F). She seemed a bit tired, but her smile shone brighter than the sun.
They were about to close up, so she quickly got a few fresh scoops from the tastiest ones.
By the time the delicious fagylalt¹ ended up in our stomachs, she came up with another idea:
“Let’s get some drinks and chill in a nearby park!“
[uh-oh. Houston, we have a problem]
– Sure, let’s do it!

This is probably what I wanted, yet my heart was as fast as Usain Bolt at the Olympics.
That should make things easier – I thought. No classmates, no strangers; just us.
What if I just told her, straight up? No, can’t do that.
The mental conversation went on and on, while we walked into a store next door.
“Champaign, beer, maybe some rum?“
– Anything that gets me drunk.
She nodded and chose a bottle of champagne as tonight’s start.
“I still have some whisky/vodka” [can’t remember which one]
–That’s definitely going to kick me in the butt.

She led me a to small hill covered with grass, facing a street full of Cafés and Restaurants.
It was already dark, but the dim lights around us set the mood just right for us to get drunk.
We passed the bottle gulp after gulp, pointing at people and trying to guess what they do or where they’re from.
The Men either wore ties with proper suits, or shorts with a shirt full of summer colors.
The Ladies wore dresses, high heels and jewelry that gently drew attention, but never went overboard. Their make-up was subtle yet noticeable.
Some of them were alone, others were in groups. A couple was constantly on their phones, while another was having a passionate conversation, never missing a moment to admire the person sitting in front.
I started to feel the alcohol; the World began to swing and wobble.
“Here” – She hands me the bottle
– Oh boy, here we go… *gulp*

When I couldn’t sit straight anymore, laying on the grass and staring at the stars seemed to be the best option.
“How drunk are you?”
– On a scale of 10, 6 or 7. You?
“Hmm, maybe 4”

Shit, her liver is strong.
I reached for her hand, and our fingers slowly entangled.
Once again, a wave of emotions took over my body in a form of a sweet storm.
“What do you feel now?“
– Fireworks. Everywhere from head to toe. It’s just tingling non-stop.
Seems like my shy-lock was already removed.
She smiled, then pointed out the belt of Orion.
“Look!“
I looked at the shiny dots, but they just didn’t make sense at all; I was way too drunk.
One thought, on the other hand, made a lot of sense and I could actually carry out the task:
Caressing her hand with my thumb.

“Wanna get…even more drunk? I know a place with the best cherry beer on the block“
– Let’s gooooo!!!
I immediately stood up, fell, and stood up again, but this time with more balance.
By now I knew the ultimate secret for having fun:
All I needed was some liquid courage poured in a glass.

5)
I remember admiring the buildings like never before.
Budapest is famous for being beautiful, but it’s full of hidden wonders and miracles that won’t reveal themselves to the average tourist or backpacker, only for an insider who knows the City in and out.
She was one of those gals, and I got to see all this magic – hand in hand with a pretty Lady next to me.
By the time we got to the Pub, I started to get a little more sober, which meant that the worry-o-meter was about to go through the roof If we don’t drink a beer the second we sit on our butts.
I felt the anxiety spreading through my body like mold in a wet corner.

She managed to get us 2 mugs of cherry beer, even though the bartender was as sour as 6 kilos of lemon meat.
We chugged it happily without really talking, then she ordered another two to finish off the evening.
Before they carried it out, I swayed to the toilet and tried to use the remaining brain cells to assess what’s happening.
– Aight, we dnot’ gonan get drunkr than thsi. Its tmie to do somethnig. Just tlel her. Its esy.
Cvome on Mna, you caqn do thjis!
I looked in the mirror, the reflection told me that my brain was somewhere in outer space.
By the time I managed to find my way back to our seat, round 2 was already waiting.

“There is something I want to tell you…” she began, after taking a sip
– What is it?
“I…I don’t…”
I laid my hand on her back.
– Hey, you can tell me.
We are probably thinking about the same thing anyway
“*sip1, sip2, gulp3* I just………..like you.“

For fucks sake – I thought
She has more balls than I ever will.

– Me too, I’m just too big of a pussy to say it.
“Really…?“
– Really; for a long time actually…

She looked relieved. We emptied the mugs and went to look for a bus that takes us to her place.
I knew it was going to be a now or never in a few minutes.
The streets were empty and moonlit.
We took or time strolling through the evening; holding hands was just miraculously calming.
She suddenly stopped in front of me, with her emerald eyes, gazing at my wasted face.
I knew what I should’ve done, especially after watching a shitton of videos 10 hours prior to this.
But I was frozen, unable to move an inch. My heavy breaths were filled with fear.
It was the pinnacle of cowardice.

I remember standing on the corner of a street, with my hands on her waist.
Wishing that I could behave like a Man for just one minute.
The disappointment and shame was tearing my soul into the tiniest bits. No matter how drunk or honest we were about our feelings, I still felt like a disgusting piece of shit, because that’s what my past taught me.
Until she reached for my trembling hand, grabbed it, and gently placed it on her cheek.
The moment I felt my fingertips touch her beautiful face, my head leaned towards her lips and we kissed.

Everything around us disappeared.
The sounds, the lights, the wind.
The whole world was a black hole, and our lips were the middle of the galaxy.
When I pulled away, her smile broadened all the way up to her ears.

“That was actually a pretty good kiss…” – she whispers with her mouth still curving
– Really?!
Thank God I googled it.
She just nodded silently, and we went for a round 2, round 3…until the bus came.
We were “the typical drunk couple commuting at 11 in the evening”
I remember the lamps of the bus revealing her blushed cheeks. Her smile was brighter than anything.
My liver might stop working by the next day, but the risk was all worth it.
By the time it came to cuddling, the fear of touching a human being completely disappeared.

That’s the story of a clumsy boy kissing a real beauty.

At the core, there is one big take-away:
Never let the voice in your head to keep you in chains.
Try, fail, fail miserably, and try again, until you get to the other side of fear.
That’s where your real treasure awaits.

Take care,
Erik

Writer’s Notes:
*The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

Dictionary:
[HU] Fagylalt¹ –> Ice cream