Most of us can remember the time and place when we experienced something very special or unique.
An example will probably pop up in your mind just by reading this.
Let it be falling in Love, getting a Job, or having our first Kiss; we treasure that memory as long as we Live.
Some of these moments were a coincidence, occurred by luck or perhaps they were destined by fate.
Others are the fruit of hard work, patience and bravery.
Whatever the reason may be, there is one thing in common with all these:
They fundamentally change the way we see, feel or think.
From then on, Life isn’t the same.
This is a Story about curing self-sabotage, battling crippling fears and breaking down barriers that stand between us and the kindness & love we wish to receive.
It is meant to show you an example that it’s possible to change; and that yesterday’s pain doesn’t have to define who you are today.
Whether you’re lonely, hopeless or in pain, I want you to know that there is a way to crawl out of that dark pit and build the future of your dreams.
Kick back, relax, and enjoy while you read.
1)
It’s September 1st, 2016.
New School, new mates, new beginnings. A clean slate.
“I must not fuck this up, just this once…” I whisper, before I enter the classroom on the first day.
“Alright, in the movies the cool guys are always one bench away from the prettiest ladies.“
I step in, look around.
A lot of them were pretty. Way too many. Even my soon-to-be homies.
“Okay, plan B. Cool guys sit in the back too, don’t they?“
I chose a bench far away from the teacher’s reach.
Mission accomplished.
The room was about 90% full already, but I still had an empty chair next to me.
A Girl came in 5 minutes late, swiftly sneaking through the lines to hop on that very seat.
She looked like a Rebel, seemingly quite timid.
The only thing I remember her wearing is a handmade panda-beanie with cute little ears.
Her hair was astounding. Every shade had its place.
A touch of blonde, some natural on the top; and a hint of red hidden underneath.
Is she one of those social activists?
Here we go again, judging after the first glimpse.
According to the movies, cool guys barely say anything, but when they do, the whole class starts laughing.
This pretty much rules out the possibility to initiate a convo with anybody.
[Side note: Making decisions based on films is not a good idea, trust me.]
“Bon appetit!” She whispers, as I pull out a box of rice with meat.
“Thanks” – I said, nonchalantly.
Back then, I had no idea how crucial that moment would be in our journey.
2)
If one piece is missing from my memories, it’s the day when we actually started talking. She definitely made an impression on me, but I don’t remember trying to get to know her intentionally. Yet, somehow we began to develop our very special friendship.
There was one social obstacle though, which I knew clearly: I was still endlessly clumsy, especially with ladies.
In any case, there was a kind of pull – so to say.
I couldn’t explain, nor understand it – it was just there, doing its thing.
Weeks passed by, and I discovered that the Woman who seemed to be the quietest in the entire building (+1200 students, 65%+ were not males) appears to be the most interesting.
She was, too, a bit shy and clumsy. But not like me.
A little over 2 months in, she passed me this: A proper Rose – made out of tinfoil.
The day was 9th of November, I still remember it.
She seemed to care a lot about how I feel, even if it was an utter disaster to get to know me.
If confidence was warmth or heat, then I lived in a fridge.
I was quite funny, in a decent shape – yet very fragile and indecisive.
Regardless of what was visible on the surface, this was the reality – and I didn’t want anyone to find out about it.
I could act cool the whole day, in the end, it didn’t change a thing: The game was new, the rules were unclear and the controls were confusing. It was like trying to watch TV in a foreign language. Without subtitles you don’t get shit. Weirdly enough, none of this annoyed her. She was patient and didn’t mind that I made mistakes.
I was scared to death at the sheer thought of touching someone without a permit. Physically connecting was still the #1 item on my fear list – my mind couldn’t conjure up a single scenario where it went smoothly.
Rejections, rejections, rejections. Playing on a loop endlessly.
I was certain that my past has permanently paralyzed me socially, and that for the rest of my Life I’ll be the “awkward kid”
Then She gave hugs to me.
Not just one, but many.
Those warm 20-30 seconds were the best parts of that school year.
If She only knew how much strength such things could give me.
It wasn’t just the hug, I’ve got a few of those over the years, but none of them felt genuine, they lacked the intent to actually wrap me in those arms and hold me.
But She did. She held me tight and put a huge smile on my face.
The world isn’t that cruel after all – A beam of light came into my dark little cave.
Before Christmas came, She took me to a DIY shop and asked for help at choosing fabric strings – She was about to make a bracelet for me.
The appropriate response was to give something also handmade.
That’s how the idea came: Gift a handmade origami to every Woman who made an impact on me.
Luckily the risk of mass production wasn’t a threat in my case.
When the time came, it was still in the making.
She couldn’t finish it before the winter break, but there was something else she made:
When January came, along with my birthday – this Girl shows up with an entire cake. Nobody could believe it, especially me. She’s known me for a couple of what – weeks? and She proceeds to bake a whole cake.
At this point, the World started to seem like a really nice place.
Our friendship was very solid already, but this put a huge pillar under the bridge we’ve build.
Though I was still clumsy, her patience didn’t wear thin. After all, my integration to social life just began, and I was 20.
However silly, awkward or dummy I’ve been, it never scared her away.
Bit by bit, I started to believe that one day I could become “The Man” I wished to be. Confident, honest, authentic. There was a very long road ahead of me, but thanks to her I realized that it wasn’t a hopeless undertaking. The chance was finally there, no matter how tiny.
The first time I started to feel something, it wasn’t completely clear.
I knew that my heart rate would increase (i.e: double) when She was close to me.
When we poked or tickled each other – which was common practice – I was completely absorbed in how much fun it is, even if our classmates were annoyed to death by it. It was something I yearned for many-many years. A little playfulness with trust & certainty, that the other person isn’t disgusted of me. Such assumption was the default belief in every encounter I had with other human beings.
I was still afraid, very afraid. But She gave me space, and I could grow in my own pace.
I wish there were words in a language that could describe the intense fear; the way of trying to get close to someone physically made me feel.
“Nonononono! Don’t do it! Do you want to get spit in the face? Do you want them to vomit?“
My brain did a pretty good job at keeping me at bay.
Rule #1: No touching. You don’t want them to lose appetite for a week.
It felt like I could actually jump off a bridge rather than to grab her hand and hold it. I really wanted to know how it feels, but the fear would rip my heart apart just by thinking about it.
No matter how much time we spent together, this thing didn’t change.
I was afraid to death, the fear of rejection paralyzed me.
Eventually, of course, She did it.
I remember feeling so happy, that I could literally run for president and win the campaign.
Those moments were the warmest in the past few years.
After 20 years, I finally made it. A human being on earth wasn’t disgusted of me.
3)
In hindsight, it was my fault. All of it.
The mentality I had was horrible, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It kept me cursed for years, the more blamed the World, the worse it became. It was just convenient to stay in a dark place and not take responsibility.
“Self-concept is destiny” – I found a quote in a psychology book* about self-esteem.
That’s when it hit.
Everything that happened to me socially was the product of my own thinking.
If I considered myself a shitty, worthless human being – how could I expect others to treat me fairly?
From then on, I decided to change and become the best person I can be.
It was the very first domino, and she helped me push it.
The effects weren’t immediate, but just like a snowball rolling down from a mountain or a hill, it turned into an avalanche eventually.
Step by step, people started to like me and enjoy my company a lot more than ever before in history.
Though I still sucked at flirting.
We started to spend more and more time together, relatively. After school, during breaks. Sometimes in the evening. If the class was out drinking, I could always crash at her place, since there was no public transport that would take me back to where I lived.
The end of the school year was coming, which meant summer was about to begin.
Most of the classes were utterly useless and boring. Some of them were worse than 12th grade mathematics. Luckily, if you knew how to cheat, getting straight A’s without studying was always a possibility.
Since using your phone was forbidden – not like it stopped anybody – I had to find a way to pass 7 dry hours, 5 times a week. Chatting with friends or playing games were a good way to begin, but there were other things I enjoyed way more than new high scores or gossiping:
Getting lost in her eyes whenever she sat next to me.
They were Green, with a capital G.
If she challenged the Sun in a staring contest; it would blush and turn away.
Nothing could match her four-leaf clover iris.
It wasn’t the only thing. She could’ve taken over the World just by smiling.
Not once did I miss the opportunity to make her laugh. Those little dimples on her cheeks made my heart burn with the fire of a thousand furnaces. Every single memory I have of it is as sharp as the sword of the Japanese.
On certain days I was particularly happy to commute 1,5 hour in the morning, because I knew that the schedule would put us in the same place. Though most of the time it was gambling – once again, She was always late – the euphoria of seeing her walk in and hop next to me was unknown to my brain.
All these crumbs of positivity – dosed almost daily – gave me the confidence to finally start writing.
“The blood of an artist flows in your veins” – some people reading my stuff kept saying, but it never felt real.
Until I realized that this is the same mistake I made socially: Undervalue everything that’s related to me.
“I was going to sign you up for a competition in writing…” – She says, then looks away.
“…but I didn’t yet do it“
We were walking back from the “Bull’s Park” next to the university during a break.
– You can’t! I’m not that good to compete. Besides, I barely have anything to write about anyway.
Immediately on the defensive. Scared and indecisive.
She showed me the details, but I was too big of a pussy to take my chances and just go for it.
When the deadline to sign up passed away, regret came and started knocking.
In the next couple of weeks, I started scribbling short stories and published them in a Facebook group publicly. Every time I was one click away from posting, a deep sense of self-doubt took over me, but her faith in my talent echoed stronger than the fears, so the writings eventually made it out, and received a lot of praise.
By now I was doing very well socially; fairly popular and well-liked within multiple cliques. The struggle with creativity was on the way to getting fixed. The quality of how I behaved and expressed myself improved immensely, but I still couldn’t come over the thickest barrier between the World and me:
The fear of being rejected held me hostage.
At one evening when the class went out to get some drinks, I figured that getting drunk would increase my chances at being more…”interactive”
After around 2 liters of beer, I felt pretty okay, but the fact that everyone was around us didn’t ease my fears, so I figured my best bet would be on the way home to her place.
When we got on the bus, it became clear that I’m unable to use my brain.
Even though it might sound like “the perfect state” , I just sat there silently through the whole trip, accepting the reality that I’ll always be a coward, no matter how much I drink.
Now, if my memories don’t cheat, she wanted to sleep on the ground and offer her bed to me.
Obviously I couldn’t let it, but I was also terribly afraid to suggest that “both of us fit on it”
There was a long, awkward silence as we were staring at each other with tired eyes and tipsy spirits.
She eventually climbed up next to me, laid on her side and gave me the chance to become a big spoon if I felt like it.
I did, and knowing that this is the now or never moment I’ve been waiting for the whole evening, I did nothing.
If she only signed me up for a competition at being a pussy, by now I would have a World-record and 16 trophies. Being very disappointed and pissed, I slowly raised my finger and traced it on her back unconsciously. She came a little closer, and I felt a rush of oxytocin that not even drug addicts can easily achieve.
“For fucks sake, she’s not disgusted, you can clearly see!” – my mind yells at me, until I finally wrap my hand around her waist and feel the most intense warmth to ever flood my body.
The smell of her hair and the comfort of being this close to somebody wiped out my need to sleep, as I gently caressed her knuckles with my thumb, stroking them up and down very slowly.
There is no sedative on Earth that could recreate that sensation of calmness and peace.
The person who woke up the next day wasn’t the same as the one who fell asleep yesterday.
4)
We were seen holding hands here and there a lot since that evening.
Not because we were dating, simply because it felt good to do it. There were brief moments when she’d lay her head on my shoulder, just for a tiny bit – which was enough for the head teacher to mock us occasionally, but not in a rude way.
Life was great; she made me feel alive in a way that nothing else could or did previously.
On June 12th, 2017 – The last week of the school year – she figured that we should meet in the City at her workplace, where we could get some delicious ice cream for free.
Casual and easy, nothing that would trigger my anxiety.
Though as harmless as it seemed, I still felt like it’d be a good idea to do some research in the areas where I seriously lack knowledge. Starting with: Kissing.
I remember reading at least 6 articles, but none of them could make it any clearer for me.
“Yea-yea, I get it, gently but firmly…but how do the lips move EXACTLY?!” – my autism peaked.
“Alright YouTube, help me.”
4 videos later I had some realizations, but it was still very very confusing. Apparently ~70% of the population tilts their head to the right when they kiss, while for me, it felt more appropriate to be a “lefty”
After around 45 minutes of intense self-education, I felt confident enough to not be catastrophic.
I did my best to learn about and avoid making the most common mistakes.
“But it’s just an ice cream!” – You might say
Let me put a quote here:
“It’s better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one, than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”
– Les Brown
Besides, I was far more likely to win the lottery than to have the balls to kiss a Lady.
It was around 4 or 5 ‘o clock when I got the ice cream shop. The summer heat was already upon us, but not the deadly kind with 34° Celsius (~93°F). She seemed a bit tired, but her smile shone brighter than the sun.
They were about to close up, so she quickly got a few fresh scoops from the tastiest ones.
By the time the delicious fagylalt1 ended up in our stomachs, she came up with another idea:
“Let’s get some drinks and chill in a nearby park!“
[uh-oh. Houston, we have a problem]
– Sure, let’s do it!
This is probably what I wanted, yet my heart was as fast as Usain Bolt at the Olympics.
That should make things easier – I thought. No classmates, no strangers; just us.
What if I just told her, straight up? No, can’t do that.
The mental conversation went on and on, while we walked into a store next door.
“Champaign, beer, maybe some rum?“
– Anything that gets me drunk.
She nodded and chose a bottle of champagne as tonight’s start.
“I still have some whisky/vodka” [can’t remember which one]
–That’s definitely going to kick me in the butt.
She led me a to small hill covered with grass, facing a street full of Cafés and Restaurants.
It was already dark, but the dim lights around us set the mood just right for us to get drunk.
We passed the bottle gulp after gulp, pointing at people and trying to guess what they do or where they’re from.
The Men either wore ties with proper suits, or shorts with a shirt full of summer colors.
The Ladies wore dresses, high heels and jewelry that gently drew attention, but never went overboard. Their make-up was subtle yet noticeable.
Some of them were alone, others were in groups. A couple was constantly on their phones, while another was having a passionate conversation, never missing a moment to admire the person sitting in front.
I started to feel the alcohol; the World began to swing and wobble.
“Here” – She hands me the bottle
– Oh boy, here we go… *gulp*
When I couldn’t sit straight anymore, laying on the grass and staring at the stars seemed to be the best option.
“How drunk are you?”
– On a scale of 10, 6 or 7. You?
“Hmm, maybe 4”
Shit, her liver is strong.
I reached for her hand, and our fingers slowly entangled.
Once again, a wave of emotions took over my body in a form of a sweet storm.
“What do you feel now?“
– Fireworks. Everywhere from head to toe. It’s just tingling non-stop.
Seems like my shy-lock was already removed.
She smiled, then pointed out the belt of Orion.
“Look!“
I looked at the shiny dots, but they just didn’t make sense at all; I was way too drunk.
One thought, on the other hand, made a lot of sense and I could actually carry out the task:
Caressing her hand with my thumb.
“Wanna get…even more drunk? I know a place with the best cherry beer on the block“
– Let’s gooooo!!!
I immediately stood up, fell, and stood up again, but this time with more balance.
By now I knew the ultimate secret for having fun:
All I needed was some liquid courage poured in a glass.
5)
I remember admiring the buildings like never before.
Budapest is famous for being beautiful, but it’s full of hidden wonders and miracles that won’t reveal themselves to the average tourist or backpacker, only for an insider who knows the City in and out.
She was one of those gals, and I got to see all this magic – hand in hand with a pretty Lady next to me.
By the time we got to the Pub, I started to get a little more sober, which meant that the worry-o-meter was about to go through the roof If we don’t drink a beer the second we sit on our butts.
I felt the anxiety spreading through my body like mold in a wet corner.
She managed to get us 2 mugs of cherry beer, even though the bartender was as sour as 6 kilos of lemon meat.
We chugged it happily without really talking, then she ordered another two to finish off the evening.
Before they carried it out, I swayed to the toilet and tried to use the remaining brain cells to assess what’s happening.
– Aight, we dnot’ gonan get drunkr than thsi. Its tmie to do somethnig. Just tlel her. Its esy.
Cvome on Mna, you caqn do thjis!
I looked in the mirror, the reflection told me that my brain was somewhere in outer space.
By the time I managed to find my way back to our seat, round 2 was already waiting.
“There is something I want to tell you…” she began, after taking a sip
– What is it?
“I…I don’t…”
I laid my hand on her back.
– Hey, you can tell me.
We are probably thinking about the same thing anyway
“*sip1, sip2, gulp3* I just………..like you.“
For fucks sake – I thought
She has more balls than I ever will.
– Me too, I’m just too big of a pussy to say it.
“Really…?“
– Really; for a long time actually…
She looked relieved. We emptied the mugs and went to look for a bus that takes us to her place.
I knew it was going to be a now or never in a few minutes.
The streets were empty and moonlit.
We took or time strolling through the evening; holding hands was just miraculously calming.
She suddenly stopped in front of me, with her emerald eyes, gazing at my wasted face.
I knew what I should’ve done, especially after watching a shitton of videos 10 hours prior to this.
But I was frozen, unable to move an inch. My heavy breaths were filled with fear.
It was the pinnacle of cowardice.
I remember standing on the corner of a street, with my hands on her waist.
Wishing that I could behave like a Man for just one minute.
The disappointment and shame was tearing my soul into the tiniest bits. No matter how drunk or honest we were about our feelings, I still felt like a disgusting piece of shit, because that’s what my past taught me.
Until she reached for my trembling hand, grabbed it, and gently placed it on her cheek.
The moment I felt my fingertips touch her beautiful face, my head leaned towards her lips and we kissed.
Everything around us disappeared.
The sounds, the lights, the wind.
The whole world was a black hole, and our lips were the middle of the galaxy.
When I pulled away, her smile broadened all the way up to her ears.
“That was actually a pretty good kiss…” – she whispers with her mouth still curving
– Really?!
Thank God I googled it.
She just nodded silently, and we went for a round 2, round 3…until the bus came.
We were “the typical drunk couple commuting at 11 in the evening”
I remember the lamps of the bus revealing her blushed cheeks. Her smile was brighter than anything.
My liver might stop working by the next day, but the risk was all worth it.
By the time it came to cuddling, the fear of touching a human being completely disappeared.
That’s the story of a clumsy boy kissing a real beauty.
At the core, there is one big take-away:
Never let the voice in your head to keep you in chains.
Try, fail, fail miserably, and try again, until you get to the other side of fear.
That’s where your real treasure awaits.
Take care,
Erik
Writer’s Notes:
*The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden
Dictionary:
[HU] Fagylalt1 –> Ice cream
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”
Chinese Proverb
It all started with a simple agreement: We’re going to cook something new every week – most likely dinner.
The only rule is that we have to follow a recipe, whether from a cookbook or from the internet.
That’s how we’re going to Master the Kitchen.
He already made an incredible meal to celebrate my 500th day here, and now it was time to return the favor.
– Vanavond ga ik iets lekker koken [Tonight I’m going to cook something delicious]
I made a promise, now there’s no turning back. A Man keeps his word, no matter how hard it gets.
I went through the fridge to assess what we have.
“I challenge you to cook in this today” – he hands me an oven dish, and walks away.
“…Make a lasagna” comes the last comment from the other side of the apartment.
So I jumped in front my laptop and found this: Vegetarian Lasagna with Eggs
The whole recipe was in Dutch, and that’s exactly what I needed.
I already got stuck at the first step.
To make tomato sauce, it said, I had to put a little cross on the bottom of the tomaten1, then put them in boiling water and let the skin curl or tear around the X’s. Pull them out, put it under cold water and peel them. Simple on paper, but I still had to watch a YouTube video that visually explains that.
After I placed the tomatoes in the boiling water, it didn’t break or curl at all even after a whole minute.
*My flatmate walks in*
– It’s impossible to mess this up, why is it not working?
“Idk, good luck” – and he leaves the kitchen
At that moment the skin popped, so I could finally remove them from the pan and peel them in a bowl full of cold water.
Step 1: Done.
Step 2: Cut eggplant & zucchini into ~0,5 cm slices while the tomatoes are boiling.
Ah yes, multitasking. The tomatoes were already boiled and peeled, so I calmly walked into my room and grabbed a high school kit ruler to measure the slices I’m cutting.
At this point I wondered whether any Chef on Earth has ever done that before they became phenomenal in the kitchen. They probably didn’t, but it’s only the beginning, so shame is off the menu today.
Step 3: Place the tomatoes, oregano, basil, salt and pepper in a blender, then add a dash of olive oil.
– What the fuck is a dash? – I thought to myself.
Then stressfully googled that as well. No results, not a single entry that would explain that.
– Yo, what’s a scheutje2 of oil? Google says it’s a “dash”, but that doesn’t help
He explained it with his hand. Just a touch, bending the bottle for a moment.
Nice, we’re almost there.
The ingredients were in a bowl, so I grabbed the staff mixer and a plate to defend myself from the flying pieces.
I felt like a true spartan, shielding myself from all the blood that splashes everywhere in the kitchen.
You should’ve seen that.
Plot twist: It didn’t cut shit in the end.
The mixer couldn’t tear the tomato’s flesh, and the plate didn’t protect my pants.
“Why don’t you use the Blender?“
– Because we don’t have one
“Yes we do, it’s there”
What is a better example for being a lazy cooker, if you haven’t even explored the items in your own kitchen after 2 months of living here?
After a long facepalm, I poured the stuff in the blender, ignoring the messed up wall with red spots everywhere.
The blender worked, the sauce was done in 10 seconds.
Step 4: Place the eggplant slices on the bottom and spread 1/3 of the sauce on that.
I carefully placed in the zucchini (yes, I blatantly mixed up the two vegetables), and wanted to pour the delicious tomato sauce layer, so I started to turn the plastic cup of the blender to lift it from the engine
*SPLASH*
I just stood there in silence. This picture describes my pain better than any word I could ever put on paper.
Under 30 minutes, I successfully demolished the kitchen, and we were not going to have the promised dinner.
I was on a verge of mental breakdown, about to collapse.
– It’s gone. – I walked into his room to present the facts
“You mean it’s almost done*?“
– No, it’s gone. We’re not going to have lasagna for dinner. I fucked up the kitchen.
“What are we going to eat then?” He says, laughing like hell
– I don’t know. Toasted bread with cheese on it” My face was serious and my soul was dead.
He bursts into laughter, almost falling out of his chair.
I walked into the living room and stared at the wall for 5 minutes.
“If I went to the grocery store, bought tomatoes and started again… Nah, fuck this, not gonna do that”
And in that moment, it hit me.
If I give up at the very first step, how am I ever going to become a [self-proclaimed] Chef?
How am I going to achieve anything meaningful in Life if I already give up because my tomato sauce spilled?
I promised a delicious dinner, and I had to figure out a way to deliver.
No more self-pity and anger, it’s not going to help.
What would, on the other hand, is if I solved the problem, because then I can write a proper Story about how retarded I was when I first started. In a few years, I can look back on a long journey after making 50, 300 and a 1000 dishes.
To cool down a little, I started with the kitchen. Wipe down the shit from the walls, the floor, the blender. When the mess was gone, I had to figure out how to finish what I started.
I looked in the fridge, and there were cherry tomatoes sitting in the back.
“BINGO!” I shouted, and tossed all of them in the blender.
Re-spiced them with the oregano and all that, pressed the button, and it was actually just as juicy, even with the skin still on them.
This time I lifted the whole fucking blender without spilling a drop of the delicious sauce I just made, and gently poured 1/3 of it on the zucchini slices.
Now a layer of paprika, eggplants, etc. Spread some cheese on it and throw it in the oven.
My roommate didn’t even come out, the food was supposed to be ready around 5, and it was over 6 at the moment. After 30 minutes the bell rang, I pulled it out, cracked the eggs on top, grated some extra Parmesan as a final touch and placed it back for an extra 6-7 minutes.
When I lifted it out, my mouth was wide open:
The nightmare was over.
– Come to eat
“It’s done?”
– Yea
We sat out and silently consumed the fruit of my labor, which was actually not bad.
– I was close to leave the house, go for a walk and let the whole kitchen there to rot.
“But did you have fun?” He asks with a smile
– I…learned a lot.
Both of us starts to laugh as we eat the rest of the lasagna.
This was Recipe #1, see you on the adventure for 999 more.
Take care and cook well.
Erik
Dutch Dictionary:
Tomaten1 – Tomatoes
Scheutje2 – “Dash”
2020.06.23 – Day 519
Bucket List Progress:
– Become a Chef: Make 1000 dishes (#52) – [1000/1]
“If I’m ever going to write about this day, you bet it’s gonna start with how you’re always late”
It’s 3 o’ clock, Friday.
I’m sitting on the couch, meditating. Preparing for the upcoming hours mentally.
The house is clean, I went through the whole place and erased every little trace of our “Man cave”.
A box full of snacks was waiting in the kitchen, filled with delicious grapes, almonds, cashews and blueberries.
I loaded the fridge with groceries yesterday, so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting the ingredients today.
Everything was ready, but something was not in place.
It was her, or more specifically her memory.
“YOU SAID SATURDAYFUCK
You said Friday”
Comes the response to “On the way?”
We didn’t even begin, but meditating seemed to pay off [big time] already.
This couldn’t be more her, honestly.
Fast-forward 1,5 hours, she appears.
Grey hair, glasses, a soft brown top and light blue jeans.
No ugly shoes deze keer1 [†]
– The last time we saw each other was on Day 180, 328 days passed since.
I did the quick math as I looked at the Lady who showed me both ends of the sanity scale.
She was a lot more stable now. Confident, happy.
Her eyes were oozing energy, and that smile made me calm like a sleeping pill.
The tranquility wouldn’t last long though, due to her exceptional ability to annoy me.
Seconds after we left the house, she began ranting and wouldn’t shut up for the next 30 to 40 minutes.
How can you enjoy being pissed? – I was wondering, but my lips just kept curving towards my ears.
We were walking towards a forest nearby my place, “The backyard of Nijmegen” as people call it.
Half the City could hear what she was saying, because every word she said came out with the force of a Ferrari’s engine. I just walked next to her, silently. Taking delight in the passion and intensity she spoke with.
This was something I really missed, more than I thought I did.
– You were my Beginner’s Luck. A trial version to get a taste of what awaits.
It’s a concept from one of my favorite books, The Alchemist.
Those who start to follow their heart/dreams get a little help in the beginning; a kind of thumbs up from the Universe, signaling that you’re going the right way. For me, she was it. Without her, Life wouldn’t be the same.
That’s pretty much all I wanted to say. 5 seconds later the entire forest was once again taken over by a shouting young lady.
After an hour of walking, we picked a fallen tree to sit on and devour that delicious box of nuts and berries.
–It’s great to see you in such a good shape… – I remarked, while she was feasting on blueberries
…that doesn’t mean you’re not insane, but still!
She playfully threw a piece of nut in my face.
“A huge waste of cashew, but very necessary!”
I couldn’t look at anything but her face. Those blue eyes were tattooed in my brain since the first time I saw them, but seeing it again in real life would’ve been a sin to waste.
It’s pretty hard to conjure up all the other details – The environment, the feelings, the topics.
I got lost in it, but the sensation of happiness was constantly pulsing from the fact that she is a lot better than she used to be. That was all I needed to hear.
“Can’t have the highs without the lows!” – we came to the conclusion every 5 minutes.
That’s what you get when you date with crazy chicks.
On the way back she switched to Dutch for a minute:
“Hoe is jouw Nederlands?” [How’s your Dutch?]
– Best kut. [Quite shitty]
That was all I could come up with. Suddenly it felt like everything I’ve learned over the past one and a half year simply disappeared. I remember going keihard2 on studying before she decided to take me home and introduce me.
I mean, who doesn’t try his best when the parents are about to see him?
Then she was once again shouting, letting her voice echo through the trees. At one point she let out a loud scream that shook the leaves off the trees:
“I DIDN’T SHOWER IN 4-5 DAYS!”
Out of context, of course, it’s a weird thing to hear from a Girl on the street.
But she wasn’t concerned about the whole city hearing it, and at this point I had intense muscle aches from smiling.
When we got home, it was time to show her my cooking skills.
I wanted to put a blindfold on her face, with 2 very strong reasons behind it:
1) It was supposed to be a surprise. I was a terrible cook when she met me, but that changed over the course of a year, and it was time to show the fruit of all the hard work and laboring.
2) I could actually focus on cooking instead of having to listen to 600 unsolicited advice on how I should do my thing.
She said no, but agreed to be chill.
It took her less than a minute to turn into Gordon Ramsay and smart-ass about the way I was cutting things.
Remember the little meditation I did before she came?
God bless the monk who invented it.
While the lentils were cooking, I took her out to the balcony and did some squats while she was sitting on me.
“The things you do to get closer to my v*****…” – she said mockingly
One of the easiest ways to release stress is through training, and believe me, Life with her is never boring.
She jumped on the pull up bar, did a few chin-ups and proudly stared at the tiny hill on her arm where her biceps is.
“It’s there! See?!“
I nodded comically, then we went back to the kitchen to finish this masterpiece:
The ingredients are: carrots, kidney & chili beans, red lentils, mushrooms, paprika and a touch of spinach, sprinkled with salt, pepper and our secret favorite: Smooth, white powder made out of garlic.
I could’ve used a little more seasoning, but it was still light years away from the early days.
The fried onions on top gave a crunchy texture to the soupy dish. It was a proper way to fulfill my very first promise I made to her last February: To take her on an amazing vegan date.
Thought it wasn’t a date, it was vegan, and it was amazing.
We reminisced about our past memories.
About how she reduced my grocery bill when I could barely afford to pay for basic things, the night she taught me a recipe I ended up making for 8+ months every week, and the day when she took me to the Sea.
I remembered eating apple pie for the first time, cuddling and watching Netflix. Cruising through the streets of Eindhoven in the evening, and falling heavily for a Girl who literally just came out of a mental hospital when she met me.
Now I know that if I’m ever again looking for a brilliant date, the closest psychiatry is the perfect place to begin.
Jokes aside, it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Not the smartest, but no young man became wise without first being stupid.
“You’re very important to me, Norbi*. Your endless positivity pulled me out of that dark place, and gave me back the will to Live. I’ll never forget this”
She gave me Strength, Faith and Love when I most needed it.
Though it was brief, nothing came close to that in intensity.
“I mean, if you ever needed a kidney, and our blood type allows it… you can count on it“
That’s how sweet she is.
It took me a long time to understand that an ungodly chemistry and long-term compatibility are two separate things. When I finally did, the romantic love changed shape, and allowed me to care deeply without feeling emptiness or pain. I’m pretty sure I could still cycle through a whole country just to see her smile for a minute, but if things go well, that won’t be necessary.
I could write a novel about the next 120 minutes, due to the fact that she still lights up every single cell in my body – just by looking at me for half a minute – but this blog is fairly family friendly, so I’ll keep it short and sweet:
We’re like a pair of magnets with a different polarity – when there’s distance between the two piece, nothing happens, but once we’re in one space, there’s an unstoppable force that pulls us closer in a way we can’t resist. We have our own law of gravity.
That’s our chemistry explained with physics.
This was our last day before She moves away to Ireland next week.
We walked out of the apartment silently.
Standing next to her car, I said goodbye and she gave me a kiss.
“No, don’t say it like this”
It sounded too permanent, as if it was the last time she saw me.
– Right; Take care Nyuszi**. Really.
No farewells, just a long gaze.
She got in the car with a smile, and I watched as my little bird once again flew away.
This time she’s in good hands, and I couldn’t ask for a better gift than knowing that someone I truly care for is happy and safe.
In 5 minutes an insane storm appeared, coloring the sky with blue flashes of bright lightnings, sending shockwaves so strong that they made the entire building shake.
She is a Woman made of sunshine mixed with a little hurricane.
“Can’t have the highs without the lows, hé?” – I mumbled, pulled the curtains and fell asleep.
2020.06.12 – Day 508
Writer’s notes:
[†] She appeared on the exact anniversary day of last year’s surprise visit.
On that day, I quoted her the following:
“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”
– The Alchemist
[Dutch Dictionary]
Deze keer1 – This time
Keihard2 – Die-hard, extremely hard
*Norbi – My second name
** – Her Nickname
How do you strengthen a friendship?
You probably have a few solid ideas already.
Order pizza and watch a movie, get drunk and go out on a Friday evening, support them when they need it, continuous honesty and reliability, a surprise or a gift, cooking a delicious meal; or offering an open ear to listen to their great news or difficulties.
If we really care about our buddies, none of these should be challenging.
But is there a #1 quality that builds a bond that’ll last through the decades?
We decided to implement 3 major changes to our routines.
– The first one was that we support each other in overcoming our weaknesses.
It requires honesty and humbleness.
“Yea, I suck at this but I want to be better“
Admitting that can be difficult if the ego takes over, but that won’t help us grow into a better version of ourselves. After all, we’re competing for the “Best Dad on the World” title. Which means serious work and commitment.
– The second one was to wake up every day at 5 am and meditate for 30 minutes. No excuses.
This keeps us accountable, not only for ourselves but for the other as well. Even if we’re sleeping elsewhere, first thing in the morning when the alarm goes off is to text: Goooood morning Brother!
Such discipline strengthens our character and gives us plenty of extra time to work on our projects.
– The third one was a FartJar©, or in Hungarian “Fingüveg“.
When two man lives together, it’s inevitable that some unintended burps or farts slip out without being noticed. But some of them, on the other, are loud and not very pleasant. This is where the Fartjar© comes in the picture. To become more civilized and well-behaved, we fight this tendency with a punishment of 1€ for every unsolicited gas package, which we’ll spend on mutual goals and projects. As a fun fact, 24 hours after it was implemented, it reduced the farts in the household by 93%.
If your friend, brother or husband is struggling with a similar problem, I suggest you try that.
Trust me, it’ll help.
Now let’s jump to the story of today:
It took an hour, but he did it.
2 pumps, times 25 minutes, only to find a 3rd one in a box that fixes it under 5 minutes.
Still, he didn’t give up, and I admired it.
I’ve never seen a Man be so dedicated to inflate a bicycle wheel.
It was already 7:30 when we left, so there was still time to go for a swim while the sun rises.
The weather was slightly warm with only a little wind, one of my favorites.
As I cycled next to his scooter, he looked at me with a smile on his face and told me to grab him.
The second I gripped his shoulder, our speed doubled and I had to seriously focus on keeping the wheel in balance.
I lost another cultural virginity: Riding a bike, boosted by a motorfiets1.
We rode from the Center of Nijmegen all the way to a place filled with immense green.
The river, the beach, the trees – not a single building.
We were riding in the middle of the road, while the wind flapped my hair everywhere in my face as he pushed us up all the way to ~40. [km/h]
Never rolled on a bike with such speed. Even if a car forced us to split, I still had the urge to sing Alone Together from Fall Out Boy as we flow through the morning breeze.
The second it went away, I extended my arm, shouted “Transformers Unite!” and grabbed into him.
We were flying on wheels, riding in space – all this on a cheap scooter that could take us all the way to infinity.
This was the moment when the term “Wingman” revealed its true meaning.
Side by side with a brother, crossing through the country to swim a little and do something crazy. Give me a better example for friendship.
When we found the place, a brown bunny ran through the field to let us know that nature rules here.
We parked our bikes and started to walk towards the beach, but a group of wild horses stood right next to the entrance.
One of them seemingly had 5 legs, but it turned out to be a BBC.
The ladies were just laying next to him, one of them giving out the famous 5 second fart with a dancing tail. Without approaching his harem, I tried my best to feed him, but he wasn’t interested in eating from my palm, probably because he was surrounded with fresh weed.
Nevertheless, here are some pics.
Sweet, aren’t they?
Unfortunately when we reached the shore, prepared to take a dip, we were spotted by officers patrolling the beach– making it impossible to swim, unless we wanted a fine combined with shouting.
We had to find another place, which led us to stumble into a 5€ bill in the middle of nowhere towards the exit.
Remember the fart jar and the dancing tail? Nature plays and nature pays.
We jumped on the bike and started searching for other possibilities, even if it meant giving up on the river for a smaller lake. After one of the splits, I made the mistake to misjudge the distance between his elbow and my wheel, ending up with a big smack, sending both of us sideways as we collided like two billiard balls on a national championship. We went with ~30, which means a crash would’ve caused serious damage, but luckily both of us managed to gain control before we would fall off or fly away.
The second try was successful, and my hair was flapping again everywhere in my face, while my smile was painfully big.
In 10 minutes he noticed another road leading to the beach, where we immediately took off our shirts, socks and panties, so we would only go in with a thin underwear, just like on the day when we solidified our friendship. Except that instead of winter, now it was spring.
At waist level, it was time to dive in.
“At 5 we sink, ready? On-“
– FIVE! *SPLASH*
He goes right in, not letting a single moment go to waste
After our skin became resistant like steel, we noticed how the wind blows tiny fluffy white seeds off of the trees, making it feel like swimming in a snowstorm of the galaxy.
That’s when we saw an old building, the remains of a tower; possibly.
The Tarzan in me couldn’t leave without conquering the top of it, so we quickly shot a few pictures of each other, living the monkey life as it’s supposed to be. Just the usual “look in the distance and flex that booty”.
Not gonna lie, my legs were trembling. The wind was stronger here and falling would’ve meant breaking a leg, or maybe even dying. When he finished shooting the pics, he immediately came to hold me as I tried to climb down safely
What a crazy morning, and it wasn’t even 10 when we decided to leave.
This should make it clear that you can make an adventure out of any day.
Even if you have to pump a bicycle wheel for 1 hour straight.
The magic is out there, waiting for you to spell it.
What’s your #1 approach for building a lasting friendship?
Take care,
Erik
2020.05.22 – Day 487
[Dictionary]
(NL) Motorfiets1 – Motorbike
What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word “Home”?
Is it the place where you were born, where you spent your childhood?
Is it the country, the culture, the people around you?
Or is it the house where you keep your clothes, eat breakfast and have a shower?
We all have our own definition, but all of us has one thing in common:
That’s where our heart belongs.
My mom still didn’t get used to the thought that I moved.
Not because I’m not living with them anymore, but because I refer to this place as Home.
“Otthon”, we’d say in Hungarian.
It has a million meanings, but only one definition.
Yesterday a Life changing event occurred: I reached a new height on the ladder of adulthood and moved to a new apartment in a nice neighborhood. Before that, I was living in a pink room for 460 days in total.
Unicorn stickers, flowery wallpaper, Selena Gomez posters and princess kitty curtains.
Life on 9 square meters in such conditions might seem miserable, but to be honest, it was my Life’s happiest period.
That little space was a forge of beautiful dreams and wonderful adventures.
In that tiny room I’ve learned an entire language, started a Blog, read more than 30 books, found love, made thousands of euros, cried because of sadness or joy, and conquered every challenge Life has [so far] thrown.
It was the place I called home – the smallest box, where the whole Universe could fit into.
I’m telling you this because once you get to see how wonderful Life becomes when you choose to follow your heart, it won’t matter anymore what kind of challenges you’ll have to go through.
Even if Miley Cyrus stares at you from a poster glued to the wardrobe, you’ll still feel a kind of fire you’ve never had burning within you.
The passion to do what your heart has told.
While I’m writing this post, I’m sitting on our balcony with a warm cup of tea next to my laptop, listening to the birds in the morning cold, wrapped into a soft blanket like a taco and watching the sun rise on the horizon.
No more princess kittens in front of the window.
And it only took 461 days to get to this point.
Yesterday when the time came to leave the house, I felt a little anxious.
I was excited, but also a bit nervous.
It took 5 hours to put everything into a bag or a box, but only 5 minutes to put them in the car.
“That’s all?” The question echoed in my thoughts.
It was so fast, it felt like I didn’t even live there at all.
The next minute we were already on the way to my new home.
When I arrived, my friend greeted me with a heavenly apple pie his parents made the night before, at 11 ‘o clock. His father handpicked the apples in the dark with a headlight on, while his mom baked it to golden brown with a touch of cinnamon.
“Heerlijk!1” – That was the only word I could think of.
I licked the whole plate off, leaving even a single crumb would’ve been an insult.
If happiness was a crime, I’d go to jail for who knows how long.
It wasn’t always like this of course, there were countless highs and lows, but what roller coaster would be fun if the rails were parallel to the ground? If not for the curves, Life would be dull.
Sometimes we forget it thought, but even a seemingly horrible decision can lead to incredible outcomes. The more you listen to your heart’s voice, the easier it’ll be to get through the obstacles.
It makes you stronger than you were before, better equipped to withstand even a tsunami or a typhoon.
From now on, I’ll have to learn how to cook for two, keep track of the items in the household, pay the bills, be more responsible.
When I came here a little more than a year ago, I spoke more languages than the amount of recipes I could cook, and I literally had to google which box should I pour in the washing machine fluid.
A kid wandering in the world of adults – it may feel harsh for a second, but growing up is beautiful.
Yesterday I almost burned my hair off when I lit up the stove and the gas blew into my eyebrows.
There is a lot to learn, a long way to go, but that’s what makes adulthood wonderful.
Step by step, you get better at figuring out Life’s puzzle.
There is one thing to never let go of though – the inner child’s endless curiosity; his desire to explore.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, there is always a way to follow that silly childish heart; filled with dreams bigger than the Burj khalifa.
You might have to endure sleeping under a blanket that has a mermaid on its top, calling you the queen of the stars, but one day you might just find yourself sitting on a broad balcony, soaking in the warm rays of the sun, and write about the crazy adventures you’ve had…
Because you dared to followed your heart.
Take care and shoot for the stars,
Erik
2020.04.26 – Day 461
[Dutch Dictionary]
Heerlijk1 – Delightful / Delicious
To all of you who’ve made it this far, here is a little visual as a reward:
Connecting with nature is immensely rewarding.
Ask any pet owner about how much love they receive from their buddies.
And I don’t mean dogs, cats or fish only.
Many owners have snails, birds, spiders or even snakes.
There are endless connections you can build.
Some people out there even raise tigers and bears.
So today, I began a new project to befriend the neighborhood’s crow family.
Soon I’m going to move to an apartment and start a new journey, which includes a mutual goal with my Friend and flatmate: Make a few flying buddies.
I spent the entire day reading guides on how to do it, scrolling through a sea of comments and tips, until the final conclusion was evident: DUDE, WE HAVE TO DO THIS!
Crows are extremely intelligent, and their memory is basically flawless.
Not only can they recall your features and face, they can figure out puzzles and do tricks.
They can also imitate sounds, though quite badly.
It’s mostly used as mocking, if their usual cawing fails to get your attention and supply them with nutritious fruits or seeds. If you’re not cautious, they can become needy.
At 16:00 today, I took an apple and made a handful of bite-sized bits.
There were 2 or 3 crows in the park facing our balcony, so I walked outside and gently sprinkled the apple slices next to a tree.
It took 5 minutes until the whole family came. 8 crows were here, carefully hopping towards the place where I left the treats. It was exciting to watch them gather around and eat.
Can’t wait to develop a bond and trust with these birdies, this project is one of the most brilliant things I could experiment with currently – it’s very cheap, and the results can be amazing.
The goal is to eventually have them recognize me as a friendly face.
I’ve read many stories, when the crows made an appearance after their friend was on a long vacation or trip. The owner of the place noticed that there is a group of birds sitting in front of his window or gate.
Without a doubt, they missed him – and their supply of peanuts, obviously.
They can even be taught to respond to the sounds you make, if you do it before giving the treats.
Whistling, clicking, coughing. They’ll react to your signal if you keep repeating it for weeks.
Good old Pavlov’s tricks.
In case you’re in the mood to try it, here is a decent guide on how to begin.
If you have any questions or tips, feel free to hit me up with it.
I’ll keep you updated on how the project is going.
Today was our first day with these wonderful creatures, and I have a really good feeling about it.
(The moment I wrote this sentence, one of them flew on the lamp next to our balcony):
We have a long way to go before they’ll fully trust me, but I’ll treat them well and let you know where it leads.
Have a wonderful day,
Erik
Featured Image: Andriyko Podilnyk
2020.04.07 – Day 442
UPDATES
2020.05.07.
I think they already recognize me. Sometimes they appear below our balcony, just to silently stare at me.
They’re probably waiting for a peanut rain. No caw-ing or rattling, just looking into my eyes for a minute.
Until one of them FLEW ON OUR BALCONY RAILING.
I was reading the book “Close-up“, when I hear a pair of claws landing on the iron bar, making that *clink* sound as he firmly grabs into it.
For a moment, I was confused, but very very happy.
“Are we friend already?” – I asked, but he just kept looking.
After sizing me up, he flew away. Huge smile on my face.
“We’ll get there buddy. Gonna hold you on my palm one day”
2020.05.08
Found a freshly pooped package on the balcony railing, is this their first gift?
2020.05.23 – Bird Wars.
The peanut-territory might have caused a battle between the surrounding families.
This is probably the most nut-ritious place they’ve ever seen, so the family who rules it has the advantage.
Here is a video of how the Battle of Birds feels:
Working on a project of a Lifetime is quite difficult.
The challenge to document the process of growing into the person we want to become, just like anything else, has ups and downs.
Sometimes it just flows out of my mind, I speak my heart and it’s as easy as that.
Sometimes I can’t even look at the keyboard without disgust.
“If I have to fill another page about what I’ve done, I’m gonna tear my hair out“
That’s how it felt like for a while now.
It’s hard, because I feel like I owe you to show that things are under control, that you can do whatever you want. It feels like I fail everyone by not writing things down.
The difficulties, the experiences, the outcomes.
Life was full of these during the previous months, but barely anything made it to the blog.
The pressure just kept growing with every unwritten idea or thought.
I had a short vacation around the Netherlands – A friend of mine kidnapped me to have some fun. I had everything I could ever ask for during that time. The title was: “A Taste of Life”, yet it haven’t ended up to become a story to inspire anyone.
I spent 3 weeks in Hungary, mostly being quarantined, yet I still had some time for a little sightseeing and exploring, while a Dutch friend of mine accompanied me.
I had the chance to see another City and wander around with my Family. They were just too happy to see me. The distance between my old friends and me grew with every step I made towards my ultimate goal and destiny:
To show people that everything is possible, and it’s worth to chase our dreams.
How do I do that without making the process visible here?
How do I prove it to someone who has nothing but self-doubt that learning a language is possible, even if you have 0 sense for it; that you can train your body and become fit enough to look in the mirror every day and be proud of what you’ve achieved; that you can make that trip you’ve been dreaming about to finally immerse in that culture and get a taste of how it feels like to live in that place.
That’s what I want to spend my Life on. To carve a path through uncertainty, so that others can follow without falling into the same traps, without making the same mistakes.
From a poor background with limited options, to a world of achieved dreams and countless possibilities.
There are so many things I want to show you.
To the faithless, to the doubter, to the fearful.
If you could just get a glimpse of how much is actually possible for you, it wouldn’t take long until you wanted to give it a shot too.
I want to be a human Guinea pig. Jump head first into all the crazy things a mind can conceive, and see where it leads. Shoot into space and write a report from a place no one has ever explored or seen.
Because, you see, if there is one example that someone made it – then you can do it too.
How many times did it happen already, when you were sure that a thing will never work out, and yet it did.
Whether by a coincidence, luck or sheer power of will. From then on, you had a little more faith.
“Maybe it happens again with another thing.” And it does, inevitably. The more things I can show you along the way, the less doubt there’ll be to weight you down as you think about your dreams every evening – until a no turns into a maybe, a maybe into a possibly, and a possibly into a surely.
This is all I want to achieve with this journey.
Let the challenge be mental, physical, social, financial or spiritual – being fairly good in all these at once is more than possible.
Especially today, when we can access the lessons of decades in a matter of minutes, all the things we need to begin is withing reach; literally at our fingertips – We just need to click.
This post was meant to give an update on what’s going on currently.
The blog will stay alive for all the upcoming adventures and difficulties, and there’ll be many many years we can spend together exploring the depths of the World, with a touch of silliness and a truckload of bravery.
May you have a wonderful day,
Erik
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way
– Thomas Edison
to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
A Life without worry.
That’s the goal, isn’t it?
Not having to rush because we woke up late. Not trying to cram all those study materials in. Not needing a paycheck desperately. Not feeling angry because it’s going to rain. Not being scared from the results in the doctor’s office.
Sounds ideal, doesn’t it?
I’m pretty sure you could add 600 other things to that list.
But does that mean we need all those 600 things to go flawlessly?
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once we get over that or this, we’ll reach the calm waters of Life without a storm anywhere near.
“If this one thing would go away, everything would be okay”
There can be many, actually, but even if all of them are solved along the way, new things come into their place.
They never seem to end, at least not in our garden.
Our Life is always a mess.
But the neighbors’!
Their house is neat and perfect. They never have to worry about anything.
Sometimes they complain, but those things are insignificant.
Meanwhile we are struggling with real problems.
Yet if all of us think that, and we’re the neighbors of each other – what’s going on here?
You already know the answer.
We all have them. Problems that make us stress.
Mortgages, bills, debts.
Exams, theses, tests.
Matches, championships, races.
Disability, pain, sickness.
Workload, promotion, career.
Kids, spouses, grandparents.
Deadlines, meetings, projects.
All of these are going well for everyone else, except for ourselves.
How foolish it sounds, yet how often we believe that?
How easily this can push us further and further in the darkness, until we stop looking for solutions, because all we see are problems. It takes away our smile, our health and our common sense.
None of this is going to solve anything.
So what does, then?
Reality check.
When was the last time you’ve been grateful for something you had?
When you looked at someone in a wheelchair and realized that walking is a privilege?
When you saw a blind person trying to cross a busy street without any help?
When you came out of a restaurant only to spot a homeless person with a piece of dry bread in his hand?
When you hear the story of a friend about losing one of his parents?
Only to have this impression last for 3 minutes.
The second we fail a test, break a leg, miss a promotion or lose our wallet – we’re back to it again.
Terrible, terrible existence. Why does Life hate us so bad?
If we saw the amount of blessings we have, the gratefulness would wipe out both the stress and the bad thoughts we have.
So what’s the catch?
We need to consciously look for that. To enjoy the meal we have. To feel the warmth of the sand. To hold a loved one’s hand. To see the colors of a painting; to listen to an army of instruments.
Some people will never get a chance to experience any of that.
If you woke up tomorrow without being able to do them, wouldn’t you give away everything just to live the Life you had for 1 extra minute?
See what you have through those lens.
Take care,
Erik
A lot of people told me that it’s not going to be easy.
“Dutch people are cold and distant – they might be tolerant, but that does not equal acceptance. You can try as much as you want, but getting friends will always be the difficult part. Integration is hard, even if you learn their moedertaal1, you’ll still be a foreigner in their eyes.”
This was the kind of “encouragement” I got when I moved to the Netherlands.
Since that, an entire year passed – and I realized something very important:
It’s the exact opposite of that.
“People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the World is also a confession of character.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson said that, and it sheds light on the core of this message:
We find what we look for, there is no way to escape that.
Today I had the opportunity to participate on an event, which was oriented over helping us awaken our greater selves and tap into resources we can’t usually access – To break down our barriers and grow into something better, which is one of our main desires.
How do you know what you’re capable of, if you see nothing but boundaries around you?
The limits that Society, the World, or maybe your inner circle placed in front of you.
We might not be aware of them though, because we’re so used to our routine and daily structure, that every challenge, every idea or thought is way too similar to produce a new outcome.
This is why the day started at 5 o’clock.
Waking up at 4 in the morning instantly breaks all of your patterns, so you can start the day without any of the common distractions. You interrupt the way you usually are, which opens you up for different ideas and thoughts – making it possible to induce the change you want.
Though my friends brought me there in a car, most people weren’t shy to take the bicycle or to walk.
They were committed to attend at all costs, because they could finally break the cycle and get a fresh start. A moment to leave behind the mistakes of the past and step on a new path that leads to better outcomes. Let it be health, career, social or financial ones – it was an opportunity to progress in all those, and that’s why none of us showed up late with an excuse.
We barely started to gather up at the cafeteria, you could already feel that everyone is welcome. People went around to introduce themselves and ask the others who they are, just to get to know the like-minded humans who were crazy enough to wake up at 4 am to experience this with us.
Soon we found ourselves in a sports hall, where we gathered in a half-circle around our guides/tutors: Cees and Bassou, who made sure this day is going to bring us value.
After a brief introduction, they put us into groups.
We were built randomly, so you couldn’t avoid interacting with new people, which meant a chance for new friendships, and the opportunity to discover how others live and think. A little bonding exercise in the beginning helped us to overcome the initial trust building phase, so we could connect more honestly.
When we finished, they asked us to stand up one by one and share our reasons – WHY we made the decision to come along and participate today. The most surprising part: Everyone did it. People didn’t shy away from the task, even though they had to speak in front of a crowd of 25+ individuals. Undivided attention is not something we usually get in our daily lives, which makes it challenging to speak up. But not for these guys – they came here to leave their comfort zones behind, and none of them let fear come out on top. It was funny to be the only foreigner guy. When I stood up to share my thoughts, no one gave a judgmental response. It wasn’t even half past 5, but I already knew that the decision I made was right.
Being here is no waste of time.
One by one, we talked about what we find important and wrote it on a white-board. The variety of World-views were talloze2, but there was one thing in common: Growth.
The main goal for all of us was to become more of what we are, nurturing the good parts and getting rid of the bad ones. Mindset, habits, thoughts – improve the ones that help us and leave behind everything that’s harmful to us. That’s what we want. To overcome our obstacles, to don’t get stuck.
After we filled it with inspiring thoughts and mantras, they stepped the game up by setting a goal for everyone: Do 220 burpees, divided between your teammates – within a time-frame of 15 minutes.
It might sound easy, until you realize that everyone who is not doing burpees at the moment must hold a position like a plank, bear claw or a Bruce lee sit-up. No rest was allowed for anyone, which helped to develop a stronger bond, since we could rely on the effort and trust of the people around us.
We made it with 10 seconds left on the clock, nay, when the game was done, we all did 5 more at once. A well-deserved high five landed on every palm – our mentality knew no roadblocks.
Right after sweating our soul off, we had a 5-minute pause to eat some bananas and get some oxygen in our blood. The smile on our faces was still up, not even the lack of breath could wipe it off. This is when they handed us papers to set goals. Goals that drive us to achieve more and more.
“If you can’t read in Dutch, I can translate for you” – The warm offer came without hesitation, their awareness of others was surely a sign of good will and a lack of ego. How often do you meet people who think about what might trouble you? Everyone is so busy with the problems of their own, it’s very easy to forget that there are other people around you, and they also have struggles.
Luckily the idea was simple and easy to capture, we had to declare our intentions.
They gave us a deadline and a structure, which made the goal setting process easier.
What mindset do we need to achieve our goal? What system, skill or tool is necessary to make it possible? When you can see the whole plan on paper, it’s hard to justify the excuses for inaction or laziness.
Our hearts were still not rustig3, the exercises made sure that we stay energetic for the rest of the occasion, so they scheduled some time for old-school meditation. An instructor with decades of experience came to give a lesson on how to calm our nerves. Breathing techniques, movement flows, and a kind of challenge that gave us some perspective on what we’re capable of.
We had to bend our knees a little, raise our arms to chest level and stay like that for seemingly endless minutes. Our shoulders would burn like a furnace in the Devil’s kitchen. We held it as long as we could, even if the pain was unbearable, because no one else let it go, so why would you? The strength of the entire group made it possible to stay together and hold it until it’s over.
“Don’t fight it. Relax your muscles” Came the advice from the instructor, which proved to override every circuit in your brain telling you that you can’t take it no more. The pain vanished as if it wasn’t even born, and holding your arms became as easy as eating ice cream or fried potatoes. If I had to do this alone, I wouldn’t have survived for half the amount – yet together we overcame this mental barrier, proving something incredible: Our limitations are way further than we imagine. Every single one of us did it, collectively. This is the kind of mentality you want to surround yourself with.
If you could experience this – one single glimpse into the potential you’re carrying, the beliefs you set for yourself would have no limits. You could pursue your Dream without the fear of being unable to achieve it. That’s what it’s all about, showing you that everything you want is well withing reach.
“The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.”
– Arthur C. Clarke
Now that they helped us to set goals and have developed the mindset for fearless pursuit, it was time to learn about who you are, and how others see you.
We were given question to elaborate on, each of us got the opportunity to learn something new and to give some value.
What was your first impression [of me]?
When was the last time you’ve learned about how you’re perceived? You have your own set of rules, thoughts, manners or behaviors – and there is no one else on planet Earth who is capable of seeing those, except you. So what do they see? An impression of your character, which gives them a foundation to build on when they interact with you. Imagine how much you could learn, if you only asked a handful of people about their impression of you as a stranger. Wouldn’t it be invaluable to know what vibes you give off, the energy you carry with yourself? It gives you a solid base to know what to work on, if you want your interactions to become more pleasant and joyful.
What is your biggest fear to overcome?
This makes you see the bigger picture on what holds us back and what causes our struggles. The fear of failure, not being enough, or being unable to impact the World – we all have our own battles, and it’s good to know that the problems we face are not unique or unsolvable.
This kind of feedback gives us a broader perspective and a different mindset to operate on – that’s how you discover the root cause. From then on, it’s easier to fight our battles.
We’ve covered almost every single roadblock that can constrain us – our beliefs of what we’re capable of, a detailed plan to achieve our goals, but there is one more thing that could still reduce the pace of our growth:
Being judged by others for doing something unusual – by not following the crowd and choosing to step on a path of our own, we might begin to feel uncomfortable.
This is where they gave us the exercise to express what’s in us, through movement, more specifically through dancing. The music gave us a rhythm to play with, but the way you moved to it was entirely free. It can be quite challenging to do that in front of everybody – which is exactly why we did it. The last piece of the puzzle was to throw off our chains, and let us fly without being afraid of what people think. The confidence it gives is what most people want or need, but rarely, if ever achieve. Being able to follow your heart takes courage and discipline. The ones who do will always be rewarded, and the way to live like that is through being firmly grounded, not being pushed into doubt, imbalance or getting restricted by the judgement of others.
“I have often wondered how it is that everyone loves himself more than anyone else, but rates his own judgement of himself below that of others.”
– Marcus Aurelius
When the day was over, they asked us to share our experiences.
The people who stood up and talked about were brave, open and honest. These words describe them better than anything else.
They weren’t afraid to share their pain, struggles or challenges. A great reminder that none of us are perfect, and we all have our burdens. No Life is free of battles, but the ones who face them can emerge and win against all the odds or circumstances.
These are the takeaways of how it felt to be there.
Thank you for letting me be a part of that.
Erik
2020.01.25 – Day 369
[Dutch Dictionary]
Moedertaal 1 – Native language
Talloze 2 – Countless
Rustig 3 – Calm, quiet
How can you LOVE and HATE something at the same time?
This problem occurs quite often throughout our lives.
Let it be the person we love, a habit we want to get rid of, or a harmful hobby we enjoy.
You know you shouldn’t eat that entire box of ice cream you just bought, but it still ends up in your stomach.
You know the new episodes of your favorite show are 10/10 ones, so you watch them all at once and regret it when you’re done.
You know the hangover is going to mess you up, but the feeling of a cold beer sliding down your throat is just phenomenal.
Relatable?
Writing can be just like that.
I’ve heard it many times from famous authors:
“Writers are masochists”
“Only choose writing as an occupation if you’re madly in love with suffering”
“We [writers] are willing to do anything just to avoid writing”
If you’ve ever wanted to put something beautiful on paper, but it didn’t even come close to the feeling you wanted to convey, you know what I mean.
So why are we still doing it?
Because the World is never the same once a good story has been added to it.
All the beautiful pages you create one after the other, soaked with meaning, dripping in emotion.
Every moment spent on finding the right words feels like heaven, the satisfaction after a finished sentence caresses your soul like the hand of a lover. The edited paragraphs relax you like a warm shower, and the second you publish your work it feels like you’ve tossed the heaviest stone off your shoulder.
But we also struggle. When the fingers hover above the letters, when the pen leaves no ink on the paper.
When a sentence just won’t become a perfect circle. When we’re seemingly limited by our language and its expression, or when we finally find that fitting synonym, but the picture still feels incomplete.
I wish it wasn’t so hard to begin. To keep going. To finish, to edit.
I wish it would last longer. The research. The thrill. The story and the keyboard’s music.
It’s a bless and a curse, and the latter is the reason we can appreciate the former.
Giving birth is one of the most painful things that can happen to a human being, but how wonderful life can be after you’ve gone through it? In the end, when you hold your baby, see that smile, hear it giggling– you’ll know that every second of the painful laboring was worth it – more than anything.
To those who struggle with writing, please remember:
Put your thoughts on paper. Even if it’s messy, difficult or straight up terrible; because every word brings you closer to share something beautiful with the World.
Use your gifts, fellow writers. That’s why we are here on Earth.
“The worst thing you write is better than the best thing you’ve never written.”
Poor walls.
I’ve been talking to them for 2 hours now.
540 words. No more, no less – and my job was to remember all of them.
After practicing the act over 30 keer1, I felt quite confident.
The speech was clear and fluent – but a good public speaker doesn’t leave anything to chance, so I repeated it another 20 times and made sure that nothing would ruin the performance.
I was very excited to bring something new to the table – a mix of humor and serious behavior. Since it was my first speech, the expectations were quite low from everybody. This gave me the leverage to surprise them by doing it as best as I can.
Easier said than done, obviously – but I was determined to learn the entire piece, word by word, without missing a single letter in it.
Can you imagine what happens if you skip a sentence or forget an “and/is”?
Bingo – You freeze entirely.
It’s a double edged sword, but the risk is worth to take.
Before my speech would begin, I went to the toilet to put the secret ingredient in my pocket – so I could sneak it up to the stage unnoticed.
My eyes were stuck on the clock, and my my heart wasn’t calm at all.
Deep breathing, in and out. Repeat a couple times – but the speed of the beats wouldn’t go down.
Surprisingly, by the time I was called to present my speech, there was no stress to disturb me.
The moment I got through the first paragraph, I knew it was going to score a few claps.
Until I missed one word.
Every sentence disappeared, and I stood there silently for a good 20 seconds. It was a black hole, swallowing each line and thought I had before. I tried repeating the previous parts, but not even those could remind me of the point I wanted to get across.
Pure emptiness in the middle of a key part. How can my mind just turn off?
“Take your time” – came a whisper from the audience, as I stood there like a lamp.
I repeated the previous sentence for the forth time, and the next one finally flashed in my mind.
Suddenly I grabbed a banana hidden in my zak2 and took it for a walk in front of the crowd.
Shock and confusion were visible in every single pair of eyes.
Then, once again, the words vanished from my mind. The room was silent, so was I. None of this was supposed to go down, at home I went through this perfectly 5 times.
– Luckily it’s only 4 minutes long, so I can still stand here for another 2.*
The crowd bursts into a laughter, as I keep searching for the words I thought are deeply carved into my conscience.
It took half a minute to find the string again, and finally deliver the closing passage.
The outcome was more than satisfying. Did I make mistakes despite all the effort and planning?
Definitely, but practicing the speech was worth every minute.
I sat down, proud and smiling. The others started to write down their feedback on a post-it, when I suddenly tossed a question to the public:
– Is there anyone who would consider taking a banana for a walk [after this]?
Only 1 hand emerged out of 20, but that one went up immediately.
That person became a Friend of the highest quality.
It took a long time until they filled out those papers – they were full of tips, compliments and encouragements. Even the kindest Man on Earth would doubt if he deserves this. The amount of benevolence in the room could fill a bottomless bucket. Joining this community was one of the best decisions I’ve made – If you’d give it a shot, you’ll find everything here: Toastmasters.org
Soon the wave of speeches was over, so we took a little break to mingle.
A person approached me, introducing himself properly – He was from Hungary! After a year of solitude from my language, I finally had the to opportunity to use it. Boy, was it rusty! I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t weird. The words came out properly, but none of them felt natural or easy. Seems like English and Dutch came with a cost – a price I wasn’t ready to pay for.
The rest of the evening was full of jokes, made by people who were inspired by Bobo, and its unique ability to do a show. Everyone who got a chance to do an impro involved him in the Story during the flow. They made it look like as if it was completely normal – to the point where it didn’t even feel weird anymore.
Before we would wrap up the meeting, it was time to give out the awards of the evening – They voted me for the best speaker of the day! The title was: “The Charm of Being Awkward“X
To capture this memory, I pulled the Polaroid out and asked everyone to gather up in one place.
Here is my Intellectual Family:
This day I cycled home with my lips curved all the way up to my ears, because I made yet another step towards my dreams.
The first on a Lifelong journey in learning the Art of Public Speaking.
#111 – Give a TED talk – On my way dawg!
Take care and go hard,
Erik
2020.01.09 – Day 353
[Dutch Dictionary]
Keer 1 – Times
Zak 2 – Pocket
*The first speech [Ice breaker] can last up to 6 minutes.
XPS: Here is the Speech:
All of us can recall at least one occasion in our lives where we didn’t do what we wanted to do, simply because other people were around.
“What would they think?” – This question prevented many wonderful memories from happening.
As a child, it’s easy. If you want to climb up on a tree, play with your toys on the streets or pick your nose in a restaurant – you just do it. The last thing you care about is what other people think.
But this changes over the years.
We become more aware, and our minds get busy. Busy with finding ways on how to avoid being judged in a bad way. Bit by bit, we tune down the colors of our personality, in exchange for the security that we “fit in”.
By the time we realize that it was a mistake, it feels like it’s too late.
The part of us that wanted to do great things; things other people wouldn’t necessary agree with – becomes so weak, that we actually forget how we’re used to be. WHO we are used to be.
To those who know what I’m talking about, I’m here to tell you that it’s not over, and there is certainly a way to restore our individuality in its full beauty.
Let me introduce you my loyal companion, Bobo, my pet fruit.
He is the bravest banana you’ll ever meet. He is not afraid to face the rough concrete, as I take him for a walk in the city.
You heard me.
At first, it might seem a little awkward. Perhaps even insane. But listen to this:
The second you put it down and decide to walk with it, you’ll discover something amazing:
Nobody gives a shit.
Of course, some of them will smile or laugh, maybe even burst into tears as they see a fruit being taken for such a glorious journey.
Some will look at you as if you were some kind of a lunatic, while others may stop you, and ask you: Why are you doing this?
Eventually, someone will bend down and actually pet him.
There is always a person who does it.
If you do it in a crowded place, it’s very likely that an army of people will start to follow you with their phones, trying to record what you’re doing.
But you just walk there, as if it was a normal thing.
Even if you walk through the whole town, and let the entire city know that you’ve gone crazy, at the end of the day, you’ll realize one thing:
Nothing has changed.
You didn’t lose your job, your friends are still the same; your neighbors might think that you’ve lost it, but fundamentally – Life remains the same.
No matter what you do, people will eventually go on with their days, the sun goes down again, and by the time you wake up the next day, it’ll all be History.
Except one thing:
You’re free do to whatever you like, because the judgement of others has no effect on your Life in any way. That is the charm of being awkward, and a bit silly.
Thank you for listening.
Clark Kent is a rookie compared to him.
Even though we barely knew each other for 5 minutes, he offered an entire day to show me things.
“What’s the catch?” – I wondered, baffled by the amount of friendliness.
There was none, whatsoever. Such generosity came from within.
It started with a trip towards our “rival” city: Nijmegen; Arnhem’s Nemesis. The route should’ve taken 1 hour by cycling, but the headwind was stronger than anything I’ve ever seen.
People were passing me without pedaling an inch – not even sailors could match their speed in full wind, while I was technically cycling in one place.
This particular journey made me bless the day when I decided to throw my sanity away and conquer the country on a fiets1. I know that there is nothing I can’t do ever since.
The nature around me was, as always, astonishing. The farmlands were filled with goats, cows and sheep. Little lambs were sleeping on the grass – or eating it. Fluffy clouds stretching their limbs on the evergreen fields. This country is a Dream, and I get to wake up in it every day.
Even atheists would agree that the Garden of Eden is here.
It makes you forget about your worries – even the wind; blowing into your face with a 90 degree accuracy.
Occasionally it made more sense to get off the bike and just start walking, you still moved faster than if you kept pedaling. The bare bridges and fields made it impossible to fight it, there were no buildings around to weaken the strength of the wind.
Not yielding to nature’s deeds eventually led me to him. He was standing at the edge of the shore, eager to dive into the Waal. I saw him stare into infinity, savoring the moment he lives in. Not even the sound of a thousand seagulls could disturb him. A genuine smile appeared on his face when he saw me – you could see his lips curve from miles away. An everwarm energy that touches every human being.
“Do you prefer Dutch or English?“
– Dutch, mostly
So we continued in English – I couldn’t keep up with him.
“Ready to take a dip?“
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since last week. It was around 4 degrees, so the water worked like liquid nitrogen. Before we turned the place into a nudist beach, he showed me a breathing technique from Wim Hof, the famous Iceman with Dutch origins.
With deep inhalations and exhalations repeated very quickly, our toes and legs started tingling – you might even feel a little dizzy, but not to the point where you’d lose control over your body. At the last expiration, there was a 2 minute period where we didn’t need oxygen. Our body was so filled with it, that breathing became unnecessary. You start to feel a kind of connection with yourself that most of us probably never had. It clears your mind the same way you wipe your ass – all the shit comes out of it.
We took off our clothes (underwear remains) and started to walk towards the water in bare skin. Until my ankles sank in, everything was okay. The second it got the muscles above it, my legs fired up in pain. It was so intense that I could barely speak, my lower body was burning with the heat of the Devil’s favorite furnace, while an army of needles were piercing my skin from every direction of the wind.
“It’s okay. Just Breathe” – He guided me in, slowly.
I was determined to rather die than to leave, which kept me in the river against all the brain cells telling me to run out and scream. Soon our nipples were tickled by the waves, but we just sat there silently, holding the elbows in front of our bodies. The pain was gone in a minute, so did the shaking and freezing. We spent there 2 or 3 minutes, but when we came out it felt like we were made out of steel. No degree of wind could cause us to flinch, not a single twitch. A girl was walking by, dressed up heavily – Sweater, scarf, coat; everything to protect her against the cold.
Her eyes popped.
She saw two crazy dudes emerge from the water when the temperature was barely above 0.
For us, it wasn’t a problem anymore. My body felt indestructible. Functioning nerves were completely off the menu though, not even the friction of the towel was sensible.
“Let’s warm ourselves up” – came the remark, and off we went to become Rocky Balboa.
He led me to a set of stairs not far from the river, where the final judgement would be delivered. Even though I had two lungs, there was no way I could catch up with the Flash of the Dutch. His legs were striking the steps with the speed of an eagle leaping for his dinner. I felt like an old goat compared to him, but he didn’t let me give in until I finished with everything. Jumping up and down on one leg for minutes, while the oxygen in the air was burning faster than Usain Bolt’s gold medal performances.
– My lungs are dead Man
“Come on, it’s almost over. Just 2 more rounds, okay?“
That’s how you lead – let people get the most out of every opportunity, even if it’s well above their limits. The delicate game of inspiring. By the time we were finished, my legs acted like driftwood on the Sea, the waves of the wind carried them wherever they pleased.
This was the moment when he knew I was ready to do some BJJ – or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, if you will.
“Your horoscope says doing Martial Arts would be great for your personality” – a voice flashed in, the one I haven’t heard in half a year
Can the stars help us figure out who we are, or it’s just a humbug and nothing more?
We hopped on the bike and were on the way to the Dojo, when the conversation got a little more personal. The views we had on the World were similar – I felt Lucky to meet with someone who has the same ideal; plus two times the work and effort to make it tangible.
Reading, Coding, Public Speaking, Singing, Martial Arts, Writing – this isn’t even half the list.
How colorful can a person actually be? All these wonderful qualities that fill people up with energy. I couldn’t ask for a better example on “How to Live“
After he successfully smuggled me in without a gym membership, we put on the Gis* and agreed to go all in.
He wanted to start off by teaching me a few tricks, but even the basics caused some trouble in the beginning. The movements and their complexity was an uncharted territory. The awareness in the limbs, the control over the body – it requires years to achieve Mastery. It’s an Art, just like painting, writing or dancing.
If you could pick something to be World-class in, what would it be?
He taught me how to escape and get away from strong grips, then we moved on to take-downs and tactics. The difference was 20+ kg for his advantage, but it didn’t feel impossible to train. The knowledge and experience he gathered over the years made him a teacher of excellent quality – there wasn’t a single minute where I felt bored or strained. When it came to sparring, my abs started to burn with the Sun’s heat. I was fighting with all my might and will – the efforts weren’t in vain. But Boy, did he kick my ass in a blink.
Some positions felt kinda gay, especially with comments like “Get on top of me” “Sit on me” “Between my legs, that’s it“.
If you’re not used to this, it can feel a little weird – though when my pants came off during fighting, it would’ve been hard to explain if someone walked in.
The amount of sweat dripping from my body could’ve formed a stalactite, but I’ve found something to fight for finally: #61 “Master one of the Martial Arts (and Get a Black Belt in it) – It’s coming!
He offered to cool down and rest at his place, where I was treated like a member of his Family. It felt like the word “stranger” didn’t exist to him. Can you imagine? An army of architects couldn’t build such a bridge between two souls like he did. Even though I only knew him for half a day, it felt like having a Brother for 20 years. After a brief introduction to his Girlfriend, they gave me tea, cookies, and a warm welcome in this cold season. This could hardly be more gezellig2.
The plan was to do some gymnastics, because the entire day so far wasn’t all about training – then have a well-deserved meal. We went to a park to practice Handstands, Human Flags and Front Levers to strengthen our bodies, though the wind was still strong enough to ruin all of these.
After 30 minutes we were drained completely, so we traded the topic of sport to growth and business. Where are all the people like him?
For the first time in my Life, I’ve found a competitor for the title:
The Dad of a Lifetime.
Not just for a month, a year or a decade.
Being the Best Dad for all eternity.
That’s a path worth following, and he just gave me the incentive to put that extra effort in.
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.”
– Jim Valvano
After a day of endless physical activities, his couch became our holy grail. By then, we were fluently discussing ideas and giving tips from our expertise. He “juggled so many balls” simultaneously, it was baffling to see the amount of energy he can spare for such a wide range of activities.
A polymath in the making.
It didn’t take long until his Girlfriend surprised us with a wonderful vegan dish, while I had the opportunity to get a glimpse of her studies and discover the depths of human rights & politics. If that sounds too Manly, you should’ve seen my face when she mentioned hating the warm water in the gym – What a Lady! COLD SHOWERS FOR THE WIN!
At this point I probably looked (and felt) like a bowl of soaked raisins, but that didn’t stop them from treating me like a human being. After two decades of rejection and fear, such things seemed impossible or unreal.
Now here I am, only 1 year after taking the leap of faith – and the whole World has changed. I wonder how I’ll feel about my current fears in a few years.
What is one thing you feared for many years, and now you’re forever over it?
The cherry on the cake is yet to be revealed: There was tailwind all the way. I was gliding through the city like a warm knife melting butter & cheese. On such days, existence is the greatest gift. Seeing people cycle all over the place made me smile until my cheeks were in pain.
Nijmegen is a beautiful place, I even stopped on the bridge to admire the view in the evening. It made the journey home a flawless finish of the day.
Now I know that great Friends can be found anywhere, we just need to be willing to look for them.
Take care,
Erik
2020.01.14 – Day 358
[Dutch Dictionary]
Fiets 1 – Bicycle
Gezellig 2 – Wikipedia*
Gi* – Uniform for training
Whether there is a mysterious force called “Luck” or “Fortune“, some events remain inexplicable. Is there such a thing as a coincidence; or everything is pre-written? None of us can certainly tell, but there are days when such questions are even more prevalent – and Friday the 13th is one of them
“Hei, how eager are you to bring me the computer?“
My friend forgot his laptop at home when he left.
This caused a chain of events that made me question the existence of chance.
Good manners compel to deliver, so I transported his portable work desk. The day was still young to wander, so I took the opportunity to travel. The first thing I wanted to see was a semi-island called Bygdøy, because it’s full of stuff from the Viking age. Ships, axes, beards. The beautiful history of Nordic beasts; + A small forest to hike in.
The right bus came immediately, but I got off at the wrong place.
Be careful with the Norwegian public transport, it’s very confusing. It’s easy to miss, even with google maps in your sleeves.
Well, mistakes were made. At least I explored the western part of the city. Oslo is pretty big, there is a lot to see. I got to the island easily, but the roads were extremely slippery. You could barely walk up on some hills. Not even the boots could prevent down-sliding, it felt like skating – only downwards, obviously. For the top, you needed ice picks...
The unsuccessful attempts at hiking made me dry and thirsty – that’s when I realized that there is no water in my bag, and only one sandwich with goat cheese and lamb meat, so I decided to leave the woods and look for a Café. When the trails finally led me to a civilized place, I stumbled upon this pretty house next to a plantation full of veggies:
Turns out this little “cottage” was just a few minutes away from a Museum and a Café. When I walked in, the interior stunned me.
It had a burning hearth to heat the place – from the floor to the ceiling it was furnished with the most wonderful wood-works I’ve ever seen.
The tables, benches, seats – not a single inch of paint, concrete or brick. A natural beauty.
Everything was warm and soothing, a Writer’s paradise – so to say. Same goes for customer service: whatever you ask the cashiers, they’ll gladly explain it without a frown or a grumpy blink. The kindness I received was astonishing, even though it’s the darkest part of the year. Huge respect for the people of Norway.
I took my book out and started to read tips for traveling, from Rolf Potts’ Vagabonding, in the company of a cappuccino and a blueberry muffin.
The clock was around 2 when I decided to leave, yet the sun was already on its way to sleep. Right before everything would turn dark, I had the chance to walk around the shore and see the entire City from afar. I wish the pictures could convey how mesmerizing it actually was.
There was a photographer at the docks, trying to capture the magical view that was in front of us. The waves, the lights, the fog.
I’m convinced it’s similar to Valhall*.
We were just standing there, taking the moment in.
– If you were given a wish, what would you ask for? – I strike up a convo, casually.
He plugs out his earphones and looks at me, eyebrows raised.
– If you were given a wish, what would you ask for? – I repeat
“Hmm…“
–Take your time, no rush
After giving it some thought, a clever answer came up:
“To find what I’m looking for.“
Isn’t that what we all want? It’s quite obvious, but we don’t usually go that far. What could it be? Have you ever thought of that?
It’s very easy to get lost in the daily tasks and use the weekends as a kind of recharge, while the question remains unsolved.
How can we stumble upon the thing we truly want, if we barely go out to explore what makes us feel pumped?
His name was David, and he moved to Germany from Bogotá, Colombia.
He was on a vacation to explore Scandinavia. The World is quite small, one of my first friends in the Netherlands also happens to come from Bogotá; plus my host is a South American.
After a brief chat he definitely earned the conversation of the week award. His view on the World was pure gold – He knew that Life can be hard, but it’s worth the fight after all. The things we dream about might be far, but if we begin to walk we’ll eventually end up where we want. Let it be a place, an experience or a challenge we want to overcome.
He mentioned that even after all these months, he still had some trouble learning German. Since both of us started out without knowing anything, Dutch and German was something we had to face. Luckily, the experience I’ve gained in learning languages seemed effective, so we ended up exchanging emails to send each other useful bits – One was a photo he took at the beach, the other was a language guide that taught me how to acquire Dutch in a year.
He shared the view that money isn’t the goal of the game, even if you have a lot, it’s not going to solve everything. I really admired that mentality, especially from someone who took such a huge risk – to come to the EU and follow his dreams. That takes balls, trust me.
Before the sun would go down, I asked him to take a shot of me at the docks.
You know the drill: Sanity off, Unicorn mask on – find a dangerous spot and let karma do her job.
There was a slippery pole at the edge of the shore, right above the water which was ice-cold. He took a snap while I was trying to take as small breaths as possible.
It turned out to be beautiful:
Can’t be thankful enough for his willingness to browse through thousands of pictures just to find a crazy dude standing on a pole, posing as a Unicorn.
His bus came soon, which made the parting inevitable, but I promised that all of what we talked about will be a part of this post. Hi David, Thank you!
When he took off, I wandered into a museum (The Fram, which led the race to the South pole back in 1911) and around, seeing the massive ship from inside and out, with the crew cabins and everything they’ve got. For the first time in months, a few words of Hungarian caught my eardrums.
“Nocsak, magyarok itt északon?1” – I asked the young couple
“Oh, helló!” – came the surprised antwoord2.
We didn’t talk more than that though.
Since it was getting really dark (half past four) the museum was about to close, so we had to go.
Before the bus would come, I walked around the shore once more, when I kicked a kagyló3. Being surprised by its form, I went closer to the water and started to hunt for more. They were dark blue, which made it impossible to see them without a light source. One hand held the phone, the other grabbed a bunch of shells and stones. I stuffed them in a lunch box and turned to take a last glimpse at Oslo.
God, was it beautiful.
The bus rolled in to the museum – guess what:
Another Hungarian couple! The World is small here up North.
This time we talked a little, once again I’ve heard the usual “You have a cute accent though!” – It started to feel like an insult.
Before their last stop, they gave me a hug and wished me good luck. A drop of kindness from my homeland.
Once again, I was aiming to get back to the condo, but the public transport is just inscrutable. Somehow I landed in the middle of Oslo – “Alright, let’s wander a little more.” There was a library next door, which I couldn’t resist to explore. There were Dutch girls looking for romantic novels. Could the World be any smaller?
It’s so beautiful to use 3 languages under 1 day. All the time and effort that went into learning is finally paying in joy instead of anxiety. It’s been a rough road to get there, but I’ll never regret taking it.
There were Christmas lights hanging all over the city. The vibe was extremely festive, no wonder Norway is the 3rd happiest place on Earth currently. The amount of guys that had massive beards made me jealous that evening.
“It must be cool to grow up as a viking” – I mumbled, as I touched my bare cheeks.
That was the point when I decided to go home (and research how to grow a beard). This time I didn’t miss the station at which I had to leave, so the long trip of the day finally ended up on the soft couch and a warm laptop on my knees. Little did I know that the day was just about to begin.
The Evening
Ellenor and her Dad soon came in, with some pizza and beer.
Boy, her father knew how to have fun for real. When we mentioned the plans about visiting a gay bar, he was completely into the idea. Unfortunately he was already booked, otherwise he would’ve joined us.
If there was a “Coolest Dad of the Month” award, he would’ve won one.
It’s amazing to see examples as such, it gives you some hope that the World is not lost, and that there are people out there who keep up with all the craziness that’s going on. Before we’d go, it was time to share a vodka shot with Ellenor and walk to the metro with a few can of cold bois. We had to get tipsy by the time we reach the city, which meant shameless chugging in public.
On the way she told me a story about a contest at her Uni, where she and her friend were crawling on the ground, as a part of an activity. An old Lady passed by, unable to resist the urge to comment on it:
“I HOPE YOU’RE PROUD OF YOURSELVES” – She said, almost shouting
The beer bursts out of my mouth like the lava fountain of Pompeii. I couldn’t stop laughing for minutes. “Good ol’ judgmental bitches“.
Soon all of our cans were finished; goodbye sobriety. No one gave us “the look” for drinking publicly. That’s one of the many advantages of a progressive country. Hip hip hooray for Norway. When the metro took us closer to the City, we had to rush to the tram. One leg after the other, swiftly but clumsily. We made it without falling. It was time to pull the unicorn mask out and confuse people a bit. A group of girls got up behind our seats, and started talking:
“They’re talking about you” – she was translating
“I think they’re going to come here“
And they did. They took a photo, and asked me why am I doing this.
– Because it’s funny; I explained plainly
It sparks up smiles and giggles all the way, a virtuous activity.
When we stood up before the last stop, I felt the tipsiness taking over my conscious. Walking didn’t prove to be difficult anymore, but being less aware was certainly on hold. Right before we would arrive to the house we were going to, two drunk guys stopped us, asking for directions.
THEY WERE DUTCH!
All three of us immediately lit up, they even gave me a friendly hug – though I couldn’t help with their problem at all, but Google maps proved to be the savior they were looking for.
“Ah, there she is!” I looked at Ellenor standing in the door. We made it to the house where the invitation was from. Our future company was already in a warm room, having fun and drinking rum. There were only 6 of us, yet the total languages spoken in that room were: Spanish, Norwegian, English, Dutch, Finnish, Japanese and Hungarian. From all these, we had English as the common one. What a wonderful time to be alive, where people from all over the World can still talk.
Our hot host gave us spiced rum with orange, that’s when things started to get fucked up funnier than usual.
The drunker we got, the more excited we were about the gay bar.
After everyone got their fair share of alcohol, we put our coats on and left the apartment, shamelessly loud. The streets were still slippery with ice, and the drunkenness didn’t make it easier to balance.
At that point I was fairly charmed by the host, especially when she publicly took pride in stacking up with free condoms from the dispenser box. She was walking fast, and the rest of the crowd got stuck at a red light, while we were heading towards the gay bar.
The row was long and big, which is probably the best compliment you can get in here. We had to wait a lot, but right when we got to the gate they decided to let us in FOR FREE!
Guess who can afford some extra beers? – (Little did I know that 0,5l was 11€ here*)
Almost all of us roamed the toilets (to take a pee, not to steal*) and I have to admit, after all the rum, I was quite done already.
Boy, did I dance without any fear through the whole evening. It was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had in a nightclub, and the secret seemed to be drinking. I’ve always struggled to have fun in any similar setup, unable to let go and open up, but after 22 years of being afraid to go out, I let it all out. I didn’t dance like an animal, but it was certainly phenomenal. The energy, the songs, the guys hitting on me every half an hour. It was hard to worry about anything at all. Blissful existence, to be exact. No fear of being awkward (which might sound weird, after taking a banana for a walk is one of my favorite adventurous things), standing out or being judged. Just freedom and fun.
How could I not do this for so long? It felt like a part of me that I thought was flawed is now fully functional. The defect that haunted me since I was born is now gone. One step closer to the Man I want to become. Those few hours were Life-changing without a doubt. – Thank you guys for everything you’ve done.
The memory of a blond guy hitting on me still pops up occasionally, as he twerked in front of me while I was drinking that 11€ beer.
“One of the greatest discoveries a person makes is to find they can do what they were afraid they couldn’t do.”
– Henry Ford
Around 3 in the morning we decided to leave and get something to eat, when a random dude took his chances at Ellenor, hoping to score a kiss. My friend calmly asked him to stop trying, the Lady is taken and happy – to which the guy fought off the level of alcohol in his blood, as a civilized, well-mannered Western lad.
All this wasn’t that interesting, because I was still intoxicated both with alcohol and the thought of how hot my friend’s colleague is. In age, she had a ~6 year advantage, but you know who counts these after a few beers.
Being sober wouldn’t have changed it, nor the fact that there are situations I still don’t know how to deal with. It’s time to spend some more time on confidence building.
After eating, our next target was to get some sleep.
On the way home, I couldn’t even stand still.
My manner of walking ashamed even the Lords of the Drinks, there was barely a straight step in every 20.
“Are you okay? Do you need to puke?“
– I’mm no’ gnna thrwo up, dn’t wrory.
*20 minutes and a Snus later*
“It’s okay. It’s okay. Let it aaaaall out. That’s it” – my lovely friends held me while I painted the street with vodka and beer.
They had to carry me home, almost all the way. Both of them had an arm around their shoulders, as if they were dragging a wounded soldier through the desert.
There was one huge casualty: The Lucky charm bracelet my ex gave me, it was supposed to keep bad Luck away, so I suppose it sacrificed itself against Friday the 13th, because it went missing.
– I drank more beer this week than in the entire year – the conclusion came.
It was the top 3 best nights of my Life, no question about it.
That’s how the Crown Jewel of #35 was made in Norway.
Guys, thank you for everything.
Take care,
Erik
2019.12.13 – Day 326
[Hungarian Dictionary]
Nocsak, magyarok itt északon? 1 – “Wow, Hungarians here in the North?”
Kagyló 3 – Shell/Clam
[Dutch Dictionary]
Antwoord 2 – Answer
*Valhall / Valhalla – A majestic hall in Asgard, according to the Norse mythology
“Mooi op tijd1” – He smiled at me as I locked my bike.
It was 8:00 in the morning, we were about to hop into his car and do some gardening where he Lives.
I made a promise that I won’t talk in English from the beginning of the year, which I kept quite easily. You see, this promise doesn’t include talking in Dutch either, just the lack of English. So I sat there silently, as we were stuck in a traffic jam on the way to his place.
Once in a while; after carefully thinking about questions to ask him, we began talking:
– How long you’ve been smoking?
“Hmm, about 50 years” (Half a Century. Can you imagine? And he isn’t even coughing)
– Which country or place was your absolute favorite?
“America. I lived there for a bit – I could survive on 11$ a day. Sometimes I slept on the fields. Those were nice days“
As I got more confident in asking things, I started to come up with topics that would have a deeper meaning.
(1)
– How do you know if you’ve found the right thing? Not just in Life, but in work or business. An occupation that fits“
“You don’t. You have to go out there and do things. That’s the most important thing. Maybe you’ll do something for 15 years, and suddenly realize that it’s not your thing. Then, you go out and look for other things. You have to do, that’s it. Of course, you have to think a little, but most people just think and think and think. Doing. That’s the key“
(2)
– It’s hard to find people who have this mentality, especially in this age.
“You have to be the person who you’d want to associate with. Then, they’ll come in your way. You have to be an example. You have to lead. That’s just how it is…
When I was a kid, I used to deliver newspapers. Then I bought a bike and became more mobile, so I could do more things, faster than previously. Then I bought a car, that gave me even more mobility. It had holes in it, but it didn’t matter, because it was still rolling. Back in the days we could just borrow the driver’s licence of our buddies – “Hey, can I use it for today?” and there you had it. That’s how money was made. You have to be mobile, so you can reach more things. I used to work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week – for years.“
No wonder he can afford to buy Ferraris on a monthly basis.
– I did that too, it was difficult to keep going after half a year.
(3)
– So that’s how you became wealthy.
To this, I received the most amazing answer anybody ever gave.
(Since the entire conversation was in Dutch, it’d be a crime to paraphrase a wisecrack like this, but I’ll translate it to English at the end of the story*)
“Als je altijd werkt, kun je niet uitgeven. Dubbel, éh?!2“
– Nou, dat is slim!3
I was amazed. It was the advice of the decade, which is quite easy to say on January 9th of 2020.
Right after that we arrived and he invited me in.
It was humble and quiet, not a single sign of extreme riches.
There was no mansion with Porsches, just a proper house and a garden, with a beautiful dog (Jane) in the backyard and horses on the land.
“See those dead trees? We’re going to cut them, and build a wall or a fence. The neighbor is always looking at what I’m doing, and it’s heel vervelend4.
Alright, let’s get something to drink and then we begin.“
He poured me a glass of juice, then gave a pair of boots, gloves, and a leather jacket that was way too old.
“The one you’re wearing is about 40 years old. I wore it when I went hunting“
– HUNTING?
“Mmhmm, it’s not allowed anymore, though you can still catch a few bunnies in the evening if you’re handy” – he added with a wink and a smile on his face.
After getting the tools ready, we started to cut down the trees. From thick to thin, so the fat trunks would serve as a foundation, while the thinner ones would serve as a topping. Bit by bit, his forest in the backyard became more and more vivid. He was sawing, I was building. The wall got bigger and bigger with every fallen tree. We used what we had to the last inch.
Until we stumbled upon a 25m tall tree, the final boss of the day.
He needed to take his tractor, bring a ladder and tie a rope around it.
“Okay, listen carefully. Sit in the tractor, and when I raise my hand, slowly start to pull the tree“
He went there, while I had to balance the force of the bending tree pulling back the machine, as the tires below started sliding on the wet weed. The rope was tight and angled in a way to direct the tree away from the doghouse and me. He picked up the chainsaw and started to work on it.
Patiently, he cut deeper and deeper into the tree, until suddenly he yanked out the machine and waved at me, signaling to press the pedal and start pulling. The tractor struggled a bit, but the cracks became louder and louder as the tree started falling, crashing on the ground and shattering into four chunks, almost evenly.
He took his gloves off and gave a huge high-five with a smile for the teamwork we just did. It felt really great. He sliced the remaining pieces into smaller bits, and I continued to hoard them to the edge of the property.
Some of them were quite heavy, thought it made me feel Manly.
“I’ll make us something to eat. Eggs are okay?“
I nodded and he went in.
After I evenly placed everything and heightened the fence properly, he was still inside, so I started to play with his dog, Jane.
She was extremely cute, smart and energetic. Her hair was light brown and gold mix, smooth and shiny. I just couldn’t stop petting.
“Zit“, I said – just to try it.
And there she was, placing her butt on the ground immediately.
She’d lick me all over my hands and face. Such a lovely creature, I couldn’t believe it.
During our playtime he came out and waved me in. The toasts with eggs were ready, along with some tomatoes, bacon and a touch of pepper on it.
The lunch didn’t hold us back from talking, nay, it became less and less troublesome to speak in his language.
After finishing, we ended up cutting the remaining branches off the trees to place it on top of the fence I’ve built, and there we were – 8 hours later the heavy gardening was finished.
As a reward to enjoy the view of his clean yard, he brought us some ice tea as we silently admired the work we’ve done.
“Dit is een klus voor echte Mannen5“
He agreed.
On the way home, he remarked that the day was only 60% productive.
– But we did a lot of things!
“Yes, but we sat in a traffic jam for at least 30 minutes“
I didn’t dare to say “insatiable” or “workaholic”.
“Why, do you think it was productive?“
– Hell yes, we were talking in Dutch the whole day!
He nodded, acknowledging that it was a victory indeed.
Soon we arrived to his workshop, where he thanked me for helping him out today.
– Graag gedaan!6 – I said, smiling.
That’s how I spent a day with a millionaire, and those are the things he taught me.
“Never stand begging for that which you have the power to earn.”
– Miguel de Cervantes
[Dutch Dictionary]
– Mooi op tijd 1 – Right on time
(3) – Als je altijd werkt, kun je niet uitgeven. Dubbel, éh?! 2 – If you work all the time, you can’t spend! What a trick, isn’t it?
– Nou, dat is slim! 3 – That’s smart!
– Heel vervelend 4 – Very annoying
– Dit is een klus voor echte Mannen 5 – This is a job for real Men
– Graag gedaan 6 – You’re welcome (Literally: Gladly done it)
PS: I turned 23 today (01.18)
I’m planning to keep these habits for at least half a century – Growing old, spreading Love, chasing dreams – and writing good stories.
Wishing you the best, as always.
See you on the Road,
Erik
There is nothing more beautiful than existence.
Today I had the opportunity to experience psychedelics for the first time.
Through Mexican truffles, to be exact.
In this article I’ll give you a clear image of how it felt like, including the highlights and the insights – as close to reality as the English language allows me to describe.
We took about 10 grams, that is the suggested amount for the first time.
They looked like dirty walnuts, and their degree of density was alike. The taste was mildly sour, somewhere between a lemon and an orange. Chewing is very important, it helps the active substance to release, so the body can absorb it more easily.
The excitement grew with every swallowed bit.
Everything was ready. The room was spacious and well lit. There were little light bulbs on the wall, changing colors continuously. It was 2 o’ clock, some sunlight still came in through the windows, as we were getting cozy on the bed with a big blanket and a soft pillow. For music, the Legendary Otis was chosen to guide our tour – His style was soul, rhythm and blues. Haven’t heard such a beautiful voice ever since I was born.
If there is food in your stomach, it’ll slow down the process and delay the effects. It’s definitely not a taboo, but it can weaken the experience.
It’s supposed to kick in after half an hour, and gradually build up in the next two. There is enough time to feel “introduced” to what is about to come. From then on, our journey unfolds.
After 40 minutes, I started to experience it.
At first, it was extremely funny. There weren’t any visuals yet, but things made me laugh very easily. The lamps, the wall, even my own breathing. My abs started to hurt, but that didn’t stop me from giggling. I would just smile endlessly, to the point where my cheeks were burning.
It was a wonderful way to kick off the trip.
A surprising discovery was that it didn’t do anything with the body. When you get drunk or smoke weed, there are physical symptoms to deal with, like dizziness or problems with moving. Here, everything remained the same. The sense of weight, balance, rate of heartbeat, breathing – no one of those changed. Only the perception. The way you felt things.
Time started to slow down gradually – even a few seconds could feel like minutes. Things weren’t in slow-mo, but it felt like I’ve been thinking for centuries, yet it’s been only an hour in reality. I covered my eyes with a sweater and laid down completely, that’s when the visuals first came in. It was quite interesting to feel colors without actually seeing any. Different faces, patterns and shapes appeared when I kept it closed, and everything disappeared the second I opened it. I saw Benjamin Franklin on a dollar bill, the amazon forest with matte black jaguars in it – I saw their yellow eyes stare at me, before they turned into a face of a Woman, the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. Her chin was smooth, the eyebrows were thin, lightly rosy cheeks and emerald eyes with slightly open lips. I could’ve looked at it for a Lifetime and still wouldn’t get bored of it. It slowly started to shift into the faces of women I’ve kissed. I saw them right in front of me, every single one of them was a flawless beauty.
The visuals changed into feelings. I could tell the exact place of every emotion in my body. The thoughts of Love gave me the feeling of a river flowing through the side of my chest-plate, precisely where the left part of my heart is. I saw the intimate moments I’ve had with the people who were the closest to me, how I held them in my arms, or how they laid next to me. I could feel their silk-like skin and soft hands on my body.
It felt like being in a time machine. I could just jump in, pick a memory and relive it entirely. My mind brought me to places I haven’t seen in years. I could just walk into my old classroom from 2nd grade and meet all my classmates. I saw their young faces, their little bodies. I could walk around the benches where I studied for years. The teacher, the chalkboard, the lamps on the ceiling – I could see everything. The World felt so big. A decade ago I lived in a simple city in Hungary, and now I’m in the Netherlands, speaking a different language, hanging out with people who didn’t even know that I exist until very recently.
Life seemed more and more intricate with every passing minute. There are almost 8 billion lives on Earth, and each of us has a unique perspective on how things are or what’s our purpose. Suddenly things weren’t so serious. There are just too many things. I touched my necklace, and started to wonder: “Where did it come from? – at what part of the World was this obsidian stone formed?“
We all have an origin, a place where we come from – and a destination, where our journey leads us. It felt like a philosophy degree for 12 euros.
I kept traveling to places I thought were long lost, such as childhood memories and the feelings that I had a couple of years ago.
It was fascinating to remember who I was and what I’ve done – I could barely recognize the thoughts and ideas that used to occupy my mind all day long. “Did I change or did I grow?“
At one point I tried to travel into the future too, but my brain wouldn’t let me so. There is a certain amount of control that keeps you comfortable and helps you stay away from trouble, but mostly it’s just going with the flow. It’s a journey, an exploration. I couldn’t really foresee what was about to happen, the next step was almost always unknown.
Living in the moment would describe it the most. I could lead my mind to indulge in memories and it would allow me to, but if a sudden tune seemed more interesting, it would just drop everything and focus on the music from then on. It was exciting and unpredictable, there was no way I could know which direction my mind would wander the next second, but the transition was always smooth.
There are just too many things to explore.
Each visual in itself is a miracle, unique and beautiful.
Each sound is different and magical.
Every feeling, every thought is extraordinary and special.
The bites you take, the tastes on your tongue are peculiar and unrepeatable.
This very moment has never happened before, and it’ll never happen again either.
Remember that the next time you find yourself wasting it.
Whenever you stumble upon something that makes you happy, dive in it, absorb it.
Take your time to enjoy it.
That was the conclusion, actually.
Life is an exploration, and not even a thousand Lifetimes would be enough to explore everything.
This epiphany made me realize how lucky I am.
I’ve never been so happy about the fact that I exist.
That I saw what I saw, felt what I felt. Let it be hell or heaven, those things are a part of me, and there is nothing more beautiful than having the opportunity to experience them.
This is what I’ve learned, and I hope you’ll find it valuable as well.
It was, without a doubt, one of the most profound experiences I’ve ever had.
Now, here are some notes on how to get best out of it, if you decide to experiment with it as well:
1) Make sure you’re feeling great, it’ll boost that.
It can work as an amplifier. If you’re happy, chances are it’s going to be amazing. If you’re feeling tired, sad or anxious about things, it’s better to pass on it and wait.
2) Choose a comfortable place.
A soft bed and pillows, or a blanket if you’re in nature. This will make sure that your experience is not disturbed by discomfort, and the environment is there to enhance all the good moments you’ll have.
3) Spend it in a good company.
Not only this will give you a sense of security, that you’re surrounded with those whom you trust in, but it’ll also provide a great opportunity to share your experiences, or to discuss the insights, epiphanies.
4) Mind the quantity.
It can be tempting to just take a lot in, though making sure that you’re comfortable with the amount you’re using is never a bad thing. You can always take more if you feel the need for it, so there is no reason to overdo it, especially if this is your first time trying it.
5) Do what feels good.
One of the most amazing things is that you can explore a lot, both about yourself and the things you enjoy doing. Let it be singing, dancing, eating or storytelling, you’ll be surprised by how such an experience can give an insight or help you discover new hobbies. Mind the environment, but don’t be limited by it – let your curiosity do it’s thing.
Safety measures:
If you don’t feel well, regardless of all the preparations, here are some tips to counter it:
– Change the setting, such as lights, music, temperature or place.
– Have some sugar at hand, it’ll weaken the effects and shorten the period of the trip. It’s a good plan B, so don’t forget to have some juice or chocolate laying around, just in case.
– Take off the next day, or at least try to avoid situations that can be overwhelming. You might feel a bit tired after the trip, and you probably want to have some time for yourself to think about what you’ve felt or seen.
– DON’T MIX. It’s better to avoid taking in anything that can influence your mood or mental state, especially if this is your first trip.
May you have a wonderful journey while you exist.
Take care,
Erik
Fireworks. Everywhere and always.
Ever since Christmas they just keep shooting – from morning to evening.
I was invited to a party last minute, so I didn’t have to spend it alone like last year. My friend’s sister’s boyfriend was kind enough to host a stranger – I couldn’t be grateful enough for such a treatment.
It took place in the heart of Arnhem, so I had to cycle 25 minutes to get there. On the way through our beautiful Town, I saw fireworks go up wherever I tossed my eyes, filling the sky with smoke clouds and sparkling lights.
The upside of taking a bike is that you can use it anytime. The downside, however, is that riding while you’re drunk can be challenging at times, but Dutch people are fearlessly good at that. It’s a fun way to finish off the night, assuming that you can find your bike. Ever been in a parking garage and forgot where you left your car? Same goes for bikes, except that the whole city is a garage, and you can’t press buttons to make it flash or give a sound.
After carefully memorizing the surroundings of my bike, I walked up to the house and was greeted with warm smiles, handshakes and a bottle of cold one to start the night. Even though I barely knew anybody, they were utterly welcoming of a dyed blonde foreigner who just appeared. It was such an unbelievable feeling to “get a place” in their circle so quickly. Back in Hungary I fought for years to belong to a friend group or clique, but I never had much luck with any of it. Here, I was accepted immediately. No more social boundaries, just pure hospitality.
Since everyone spoke Dutch around me, it wasn’t easy to keep up with the pace, but I was very much involved in the conversation, regardless that I couldn’t respond so quickly. My comprehension was around 85%, including the semi-loud music and the increasing blood-alcohol levels. What a wonderful way to practice Dutch and integrate! It’s been a year since I started to study it, and now I’m full blown finally.
The hosts were making sure that the party runs smoothly – There is food, drinks, music. Everything you need to have fun on a civilized New Year’s Eve. There was a professional beer-pong table set up to entertain everybody who wanted to show off their skillshot skills.
“Elleboooog… TAFEL, TAFEL! – laat het liggen…LAAT HET LIGGEN HÉ! NIET RAKEN!” – shouts like that filled the air, while the others were cheering for every incredible shot or block that the players made.
People surprisingly knew their limits. They didn’t go overboard with the drinks, nothing was broken or damaged. There was respect between people and their personal space, no one was closed out or neglected during the party, everyone had some company, or got room in one if they wanted to join in.
When being sober ceased to be the average state, someone challenged the sporty ones to do a competition in the hallway. A bar suddenly appeared, and people started to jump on it, doing pull ups until they fell down like the autumn rain. When my turn came, they wouldn’t let me stop until I did 20.
“NOG ÉÉN, NOG ÉÉN, GEEF ME NOG ÉÉN!1” – they kept shouting whenever I was about to give in. Even with all the alcohol and lekker worstjes2 in our bellies, it was surprisingly funny.
The fridge was full of quality beers, we could barely consume half of it.
There were 5 racks in the corner, 24 bottles in each. There were 12 of us.
You can imagine.
Before the New Year would hit, we prepared a glass of champagne for everybody and started to count back looking at the microwave:
VIER, DRIE, TWEE, ÉÉN – GELUKKIG NIEUWJAAR IEDEREEN!3
Prosts, toasts, hugs, good wishes and great vibes filled the air.
A new decade began.
We rushed outside to start shooting – everyone went crazy. The view from the street was astonishing, our city was filled with exploding beauties.
Soon we began singing (Dutch songs, obviously – I didn’t know any of it, which means it’s time to dive into cultural studies, so I can fully integrate) and wishing wonders to everybody who passed us on the street.
It was one of my best evenings, no doubt about it.
A box full of paper was thrown on the street, and suddenly everyone was on a pyromaniac rampage to light up the entire thing. They did, now the streets of our Town were all about burning piles and happy pals.
The place felt so involving. I felt at home, integrated; that I belong here.
This is a feeling I experienced more and more ever since I moved here.
A stranger who is welcome everywhere like Family.
Do you ever wonder if the place where you are is the right place to be?
Over the last decade, this year was the first where I could clearly say “Yes” every single day. The decision to move away transformed a Life of misery into a beautiful gift that I get to experience every minute.
I definitely wasn’t born here, but I believe I was born to be here.
If you feel like you’re not in the place where you want to be, keep in mind that there is a place for everybody. A place you can call home, even if it’s thousands of miles away from where you were raised. Seek it, and you’ll soon realize that you’re just one decision away from finding it – and that’ll change everything.
Just because things aren’t going well today, it doesn’t mean that tomorrow will be the same. There is something out there waiting for you – and you know it.
A wonderful moment, a person, a dream. You know it’s there, and that you can find it. If there is one thing I’ve learned this year, is that it’s never too late to begin.
May this new year be the one where you decide to pursue your dreams and go on a Lifelong journey to find the treasures you seek.
That’s how to kick off 2020.
“You will regret not going for it way more than if you fail a second time.”
– Gary Vaynerchuk
May you have a wonderful decade.
Happy New Year,
Erik
[Dutch Dictionary]
Nog één/Geef me nog één!1 – One more/Give me one more!
Lekker worstjes2 – Tasty Sausages
Gelukkig niuewjaar iedereen!3 – Happy New Year everyone!
It was 5:30. I woke up and couldn’t believe it.
I was stuck staring at the lamp in the middle of the ceiling.
“This is a new country…this is a new country” – I kept repeating.
A year ago I was living in Hungary with my parents, about to dive into the Western World and start a new Life in the Netherlands. My country is not famous about its broad possibilities to travel outside the border – even less for people in their mid-twenties. Learning English, getting a job, earning mere pennies – all these barriers that stop you from exploring new cultures and experiencing the so called “International Living”.
Today I woke up in the heart of Oslo, in a beautiful home with the warmest welcome possible. The bed was huge, the pillows were soft and my friends were cool. Life couldn’t be more unbelievable.
We barely made it to the couch after sleeping for a few hours, they already gave me something new – a Scandinavian drug called Snus*.
It’s like a “clear cache” button, and it works for your brain just as well as it does with Google Chrome.
Students use it at school, it helps against the mental breakdown exam seasons would cause. It gives you a shot of nicotine that lets you chill out. It was extremely weird – You have to place it under your lips, 3 minutes later your body is free of pain.
After the effects wore off, there was a little nausea to remind me that all things come with a cost, yet, it worked like a charm.
When I started to feel normal, they immediately offered to make breakfast and entertain me with a PS4 – A child’s dream, if you grew up without a console.
Ellenor was frying quail eggs with Norwegian cheese and toast, while Fabi taught me how to lose in Tekken without even using combos. – There is a first time for everything, I presume.
–How is it even possible? – my mind was in shock.
All this luxury was settled with an army of “Thank you“-s
Not so long ago I was living on bread and peanut butter, now this is how my morning kicked off. The result of all the work started to pay off.
After playing a little until the food settled, it was time to leave the house at 1 in the afternoon and head out to explore Oslo.
We left the condo in the brightest sunlight possible.
“Should we take sunglasses?” – it’s a question you wouldn’t expect to hear on the North. Especially that the roads were still frozen towards the metro. We had to slide there all the way on our boots, without falling into the river (Akerselva) that flows through Oslo. We made it without a bruise, which meant we deserve a shitton of booze.
The first destination was a wine store – Staying sober after a wonderful Saturday afternoon would’ve been too awful.
After stocking up with fancy bottles of grape juice, they took me to a Christmas market filled with Gløgg**, roasted almonds and sassy seagulls. They walked among us like dogs, searching for tasty crumbs to prey on.
The crowd on the main street was so dense and slow that I grew half a beard as we tried to push through – luckily we made it to the Royal Palace without being rude. We even saw the guards during a mandatory patrol, their steps were in sync to the last inch.
– We should’ve brought the duck tie and the Unicorn – The fault dawns on me as I watch them pass us without the tools to make them laugh during duty hours. Would’ve definitely cracked a smile under their nose. At this point the clock barely passed 2, but the sun was already on the way down, waving at us with its few remaining photons: “See you tomorrow!”.
(Life in the North –> You barely get 6 hours of sunlight during winter months)
Fastening our tempo through snob-town with all the lawyers and important whatnots, we were on the way to see some modern art.
The pedestrian lamps had 3 bulbs, 2 of them were the red standing man and the green one to signal that you can cross.
– Why is there two of the same one? For emphasis or…?
“Yes, it’s like: Come on guys, seriously, just STOP!” – Ellenor, the native Norwegian had the answers to all my random questions.
When the brief City tour was at its peak point, we found ourselves near the docks, walking around the harbor, seeing the calm waters and a sunset shining through the boats. If anything, it was marvelous. A little later I noticed a lot of flashy spots – staring at the sun probably wasn’t the best idea, but to be honest: It was a view worth going blind for.
When we went into the Museum, it turned out to be full of grandpa nudes. Pooping, pee-pee‘s and buttholes. What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon! Luckily my expired student card works everywhere around Europe, because people can’t read that it’s not valid anymore, which made the exhibition even more fabulous.
It took about an hour to explore everything from cheap hanging bulbs to flowing water taps. Imagine removing your sink from the bathroom and selling it for 4,000€. Sounds like a good deal? Well, try that in Oslo.
By the time we got out it was already dark and cold, so we went to the edge of the port and gazed in the distance as the moon lit up the flat bay in light blue.
The last rays of the sun painted the sky in purple with a touch of yellow, as it slowly sunk under the horizon.
It wasn’t even 4 o’ clock.
As our stomachs signaled emptiness with the usual noise, a quick shopping for dinner was the next goal. At home, our lovely Ellenor immediately started to cook, while the two lazy bastards cracked up a beer and started to play LoL#.
In the middle of the battle the smell of Oyster sauce hit my nose, and it wouldn’t let me focus on the game anymore.
“These are so easy to cook” – she remarked on the way home.
– That’s what everybody says until I light their kitchen on fire – was my response.
The noodles were done, the chicken was cooked and the vegetables were stewed. Soon a bowl of heavenly food was served with some cashews on the top. I don’t even remember the last time something so delicious was in my mouth. She had no idea how much I valued the dinner she cooked for us. We also popped a wine bottle 30 minutes before, it was ready to be consumed.
“You have to let it breathe a little” – taught me by my kindest boss, who is both a millionaire and a lover of grape juice.
It was the perfect balance between the taste of food and quality alcohol.
The bottle was an Italian Ripasso for 32€, quite a sum.
Though it felt like 9 ‘o clock, in reality we just scratched 7 when the first liter was gone. We put on songs from our cultures – Norwegian, South American, English, Dutch – everything except Hungarian.
– By teh wya, let me givwe smoethnig to yuo. – The drunk me gets in action.
I handed him a wish coin that my friends can cash in for something they really want. When they figure it out, I put it on my list and get to work until it’s done. Then we began to let our voice out.
As we sang, they introduced me to a game called: Cards against Humanity
It definitely put the mood right, as we slowly turned to Pálinka and Jäger shots with a little beer on the side.
“Skål!“
“¡Salud!“
–Egészségetekre!
We did our toast and drank it all.
By the time it was actually 9, we were dancing around, playing Drunk Saber on wasted VR.
Then we opened another bottle of wine, and all hell broke lose.
Long story short, I threw up 6 times in the bathroom (Not a single drop landed on the floor, wooohoo!)
It was a night of incomparable value.
Though we did a little more than what the title stands for, it definitely fulfilled all my hopes for #42.
I promised Ellenor that I would come next year too, so we’ll have more adventures to look forward to. This is just one of the endless examples how great your Life can turn into, if you decide to go after the things that light the spark in you.
Take care and chase goals. Your dreams are waiting for You.
“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”
– William Faulkner
Footnotes:
*Snus – Wikipedia
**Gløgg – Mulled Wine
#LoL: That’s how we got to know each other. Without that game, this travel would never have been possible. Value your online friends, they might become the closest.
A Story about defeating Social Anxiety and overcoming Fear.
– We’re going to take a banana for walk.
“No-no-no, not likely, no.” – He says, fully convinced
– Oh, You’ll see.
“Maybe, but no, probably not gonna do it.” – Sanity keeps him in chains.
This conversation went on for over 50 minutes.
What kind of retard would put a banana on a string and drag it behind him on the street? – The question remains.
The best kind. And we’re giving them names.
His confusion culminates.
There was one thing left in my sleeve, however, timing was key.
At first, I introduced him to some of my Stories. The second he gets a taste, he’ll give in.
“Easy-peasy,” the confidence in my plan peaked.
After seeing a few of them, he was amazed.
Hearing a CEO praise your work is something that sticks. Now it was time to deliver the speech:
– If you ever find yourself in a situation when you have to tell a tale, this is the kind of story people will listen to with wide eyes and open ears.
Breaks the ice and wins the crowd, everywhere and always. Let it be reunions, dates, chilling with friends or cocktail parties.
You’ll go home with an experience of a Lifetime, and that’s something no one can take away.
“Hmm, maybe, but don’t put your hopes too high, I don’t think I’ll do it” – He drives me insane
But by then, I knew it. “I don’t think” was more than enough for me. The spark was there, it just needed a little wind.
“I might just walk behind you for a bit, for like 5 minutes, and then see how it goes from the reactions; but if I feel embarrassed, just don’t force me.“
We were getting there, bit by bit.
At this point it was around 2am, and we needed some rest for the Big Event.
Before he walked out of the room, I turned around and asked him:
– If you had to give a name for a banana, what would it be?
“Toby“
– Toby is perfect.
Then we went to sleep.
August 20, 2019 – 9:50
I woke him up with this:
– The gods have spoken; and a picture next to it:
“Do one thing every day that scares you”
The quote couldn’t be more accurate.
Life has its tricks to show us the way. There is a great prize for those who dare to follow it.
– So, did you sleep well?
“Oh fuck, you have no idea. I was stressing out“
– Over the walk?
“Yea“
That was it.
He was going to do it.
If he spent the night thinking about it – over and over, until he couldn’t sleep; that meant serious contemplating.
Yet, no wise man celebrates victory too early.
It was August 20th, the birth anniversary of Hungary.
The highlight of today was a Firework show in the evening. Right above the Danube, between our most beautiful bridges. That’s what we wanted to see, so we decided to explore Budapest quite early. The show started at 20:00, but we were in the center at 12:00 already. 8 hours was more than enough for sightseeing
By the time it dawned on us, it was too late.
The whole City was under a spell, and we couldn’t find a fucking banana anywhere. Not a single store was open.
– No-no-no-no, this isn’t the time to give in.
We walked around the center to see if there is anyone who could share a banana – no one did.
– The Great market! It has to be open in the morning!
We went there for the 3rd time this week, it was closed because of the holiday.
Despair started to kick in, producing quality ideas to begin with:
– Ask strangers if they have any bananas at home; which we would buy for 500 HUF (~ 1,5€) apiece.
– Go to a Restaurant and say the same.
– Ring the doorbells of random apartments to see if they have a banana to spare.
But before we could do them, we saw a sign: “Open 24/7”
It was a grocery store on the other side of the street. We were saved.
5 minutes later we had everything.
Now we were ready to explore the beauties of our City.
The hardest part of the day was behind our back, and the fun part could finally begin. Our first stop was at Gellért Hill, which had trails towards the Citadel; the very top of our municipality. There, you can get a clear view of the entire place.
Something like this:
Of course, the road was long and the heat didn’t help with the climbing.
35 degrees, minder of meer1.
“One of the hottest days of the year” – said the weather forecast the previous evening.
At around 1/3 of the trip we saw a horse statue with a stone man next to it.
– Could you take a pic? It’s gonna be fun, trust me.
That’s what I say every time before doing something illegal or stupid.
Before he could finish the “I don’t think you can climb up th-” I was already on my way, holding my mask in a tight grip.
That’s my signature move: climbing up to places with a Unicorn mask while I’m traveling.
Consider it the male version of a lipstick – it looks great even on a daily basis, but the occasion is what makes it look amazing.
The police may not always agree, tuurlijk2, but as long as there is no sign telling you “Don’t do it”, you’re free to go, whenever you feel like it.
After surviving the hottest climb in the History, we sat down to enjoy the top view for a bit, then the time has come to raise the stakes.
– When we go down, we’ll do it.
“I don’t think so, but we’ll see“
The bananas were sitting in the bag, eagerly waiting to take their walk of fame.
At the bottom of the hill, I asked him to stop for a minute and sit on the grass with me. The ingredients were ready: Strong ropes, 2 bananas, some courage and a marker to forever glorify these brave fruits for fighting against the rough concrete.
“What are you doing?“
– You’ll see.
He took a sip from his flask, pretending not to see what’s happening, as his crazy friend scribbles names on two curvy yellow sticks.
When I finished painting, I couldn’t stop smiling.
The amount of joy that comes from doing such things is certainly something that needs sharing.
I tied the ropes and handed him his piece.
This is how they looked before their grand journey:
Mesmerizing, just as I promised.
The duo was ready to take over the City.
– Alright, let’s do it.
“I’ll see how you do it for a few minutes, then I’ll think about it“
He wasn’t an easy case, but I get it.
No sane person confuses a pet with a fruit, especially not in public.
Can you imagine seeing someone walking with a banana at its heels?
Probably, but not really. That’s why it’s fun to do it – so here came the speech:
– When you’ll be an elderly dude with grand kids begging for a cool story, what are you going to say? That you saw a few buildings, ate some soup and went back to your country? That would be a waste. The second you put it down on the ground and start to walk with it, everything fades away. The anxiety, the fear – you won’t care about what people think. What will be great, on the other hand, is the fact that You did it. Do you know how many people did this in our entire History? Not many, trust me. And you could be one of these individuals who took a fruit for a journey. It’s gonna be an all-time favorite memory; whenever you find yourself in a place where people demand a story, this is a joker card that always wins.
So…Ready?“
“I’ll just walk behind you for a few minutes, see how people react, and then I might do it“
He didn’t even flinch. None of those words had any effect on him.
But you know me: Never give up, especially not when it comes to people or making memories.
The whole day was ahead of us, and all I needed is the right moment to show him how funny it is.
– Okay, I’m gonna walk into the crowd with it. Look how people react, there is no reason to be afraid.
It went smoothly, it was my 3rd time already. I left my sanity somewhere in 2018, haven’t seen it ever since. As I pulled Bobo behind me, people started to notice it.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAH” – Some people started shouting
Others just gave weird looks, some wondered: “What the hell is this guy doing?“
My job, you silly. Showing the World that being yourself doesn’t cost anything.
When we left the busy street, it was time to strike again and ask him:
– Can you see? It’s completely fine, people have fun seeing it.
“Yea, they seemed to smile or laugh at it“
– How about you try it for just two minutes?
It was a now or never moment, I felt it.
– Just put it down and see how it feels, all the fear will disappear the second you do it, I promise.
And then, for the first time in History, the Englishman decided to put Toby on the ground and walk with it.
The level of greatness he did it with cannot be described in any language.
It took him 5 seconds to realize that there is no harm in doing it, not a tiny bit. No embarrassment, guilt or shame.
“I can actually feel my balls growing“
Those were his first words to eloquently describe the experience he is having.
Now there were two dudes roaming the streets, dragging their bananas: Bobo and Toby.
He was the first person I knew who dared to do it.
His courage was bigger than his fears, and he faced the challenge against all the (seemingly) possible calamities.
We had to capture this memory as a testament of his bravery.
Here they are, the bananas who took a Journey many of their fruit-friends can only have in their dreams.
Before we would quit, a man approached me with a broad smile to ask if Bobo can bite him.
I shook my head, pretending not to understand Hungarian.
At this very moment, he decided to go down in a squat and give a few strokes to my pet banana.
With a satisfied face, he stood up and walked away.
There is always one person out of a 1000 who pets it.
Not to mention, he was in his 40s.
The inner child never dies, only if you let it.
When our journey was finished and he had enough of carrying Toby like a lunatic, their grave became a trash can on the street:
Rest in Peace.
After winning the mental warfare against our dignity, it was time to celebrate. Our path led to a famous part of the city: Buda Castle.
A place rich in Art and History.
At this time of the year, there was a special event around the entire building.
“Traditional Professions Festival” – They called it
They couldn’t come up with anything more boring, probably.
Since that was our only way in, we had to pay for the tickets and suffer our way through the slow crowd and dull arts of poverty.
Watching the paint dry is 10 times more exciting.
Yet, eventually we got on the top and it turned out to be completely worth it.
The view was astonishing, the workshops were interesting and shades were many.
Remember, it’s still 36 degrees and we’ve been walking all day.
But this, gentlemen, is a view worth seeing:
Seeing the entire city as the sun is descending is as marvelous as it possible can be. We took our time to look around and check everything. It was certainly one of the most magical places of our Country.
The Danube, the Parliament, our bridges. All of these in one frame.
We even stumbled upon a special shop, selling handmade masks of the Devil.
It’s a tradition in our country, to say goodbye to winter and welcome spring.
People dance and wear things like this:
It’s something we all dream about having as kids.
You know well what happens with dreams. They end up on the Bucket list:
#156 Have a Traditional Busómaszk from my home Country.
When we explored everything, it was time to leave.
At the top of the Castle you can find a funicular, which takes people up and down. It saved us 40 minutes of walking, not even mentioning the excess heat. At the bottom, we fought our way through the crowd of grannies and went for our last beauty before the Finálé:
Halászbástya, a building hidden in the heart of the City.
This day is full of things that I’ve never seen, even though I’ve lived here for more than two decades. Luckily, the best part was yet to come in our way.
Before the sun would set entirely, we took one last glimpse at the Parliament:
The police forces started to amass there, preparing for the greatest event of the year.
Our Country was born today, and the celebration is going to peak at 8 in the evening.
Tens of thousands of people came from all over the country, just to witness some gunpowder explode and spread into flashy, colorful pieces of flame.
All that’s left is a heerlijk3 dinner to put the cherry on the cake, right before we get to see the Finálé. After wandering all day in this heat, the stomach demanded something great – so we carefully picked a nice pizza place.
The second we looked at the prices it became clear:
Tourism is expensive – even in an Eastern Country like Hungary.
Either our wallets would ache, or our bellies.
The latter won the race.
Not long before the Fireworks would start shooting, we received a plate with the most expensive pizza I’ve ever seen.
At 19:50 we finished, expressed our gratitude for the service and left to score a spot before the show begins
The crowd that filled the streets was insane.
On both sides of the river the mass built up like an ant colony – taking over a garden after 5 years of breeding.
When the music turned on, the whole city went silent the second it hit their ears.
It was dark, pleasantly warm and exciting.
Everyone stood there, listening to our greatest hits – praying for the nation and immersing in this day of unity.
The first rocket flew up towards the world’s ceiling, shattered into a thousand pieces of white spark and flame. Many followed, as we stood there silently.
People couldn’t take their eyes off the sky, as the shining lights filled their hearts with great delight. It was pure art, as the music led the rhythm of the night – and sent the bombs into the clouds.
When the first round was over, a wave of applause shook the ground.
There was nothing but smoke in the sky, yet the fireworks kept doing their job: Lighting their way up until they die.
While my Camera was hanging on my right, I knew that the only moment worth capturing was the El momento Final.
That was the last film in the Polaroid – I couldn’t miss it.
But I did, because I decided to watch it instead of taking pictures for this story.
The present moment shouldn’t be sacrificed.
Nor for the Future, neither for the Past.
So the proof became Digital – but the Memory is not:
“Twee vogel met één klap“4 – The Dutch would say that.
Scoring two items from my Bucket List under a Day.
It’s crazy how I’ve lived there for 2 decades and still managed to miss it.
Luckily, the first times are the ones you never forget.
When the show was over, leaving turned out to be the hardest thing.
I wish you would’ve seen the mass trying to dissolve in the city.
Everyone was taking baby steps, no more than 3 every minute.
My parents were already pissed – the buses weren’t coming, the metro was filled. They parked 27 minutes of walk away – and we had to hurry.
It took 42 minutes. Public transport, obviously.
When we finally got the chance to sit in the car and chill a bit, Google came up with the statistics:
We’ve walked 30 kilometers today – Or 19 miles, if that’s how you measure it.
Right after we got home he asked me to open a new tab on my laptop.
When it popped, he pointed at the quote on the bottom.
“It’s done”
He fought a battle and came out victorious.
Most of us would fall because of our pride or ego – but he didn’t let those take control.
We’ve discovered Pest, took a banana for a walk together and witnessed the greatest celebration of our entire nation.
This Story was meant to show you that Life isn’t just about Friday nights, office hours or birthday parties. There is so much more to experience and see, this is just another page in the Book of “What happens when you follow your dreams.”
I wish we could share our feelings, just like we do with pictures we find interesting. I wish I could show you how it feels like to believe – that your Dreams are possible, regardless of what people say.
What I can do, on the other hand, is write about moments like these.
Just so you know that there is a way, and you too, can find it.
This day was something that’ll remain in our memories for many more decades, and hopefully we’ll carry them all the way to our graves.
That’s what dreams do. They keep you Alive, even if you don’t know how to Live. Don’t let them slip away – chase them.
The second you do that, Life changes – and you’ll never regret that.
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it
– Seneca
is because we do not dare that they are difficult.”
Take care,
Erik
20.08.2019 – Day 211
To those who managed to read it, here is a little gift of appreciation:
*How it feels like taking a banana for a walk*
[Dutch Dictionary]
Minder of meer 1 – More or less
Tuurlijk 2 – Of course
Heerlijk 3 – Delicious
Twee vogel met één klap 4 – Two bird with one blow
I had a chat with the suicide prevention hotline the other day.
Things weren’t going well, and I had nobody to turn to or talk with.
Reaching out for help seemed to be the only possibility.
When they picked up, they started to ask questions about where I am and what I’m doing.
– At home, I’m safe. I’m not under the influence of any substance.
This sentence was enough for them to close the case.
They simply told me that I’m on the wrong place.
Apparently if you’re not in immediate danger, you can’t talk with anybody.
– If I put a knife next to my veins, would that allow me to use this service?
Silence. The guy didn’t know what to say.
I wished him a good evening and hanged it.
You’d think that “prevention” stands for preventing you from getting to the point where you actually try, but it’s for the occasion where you’re only seconds away from doing it.
Having a gun in your mouth sounds kinda late to me, but who am I to define the term anyway?
I’m telling you this because Life isn’t just sunshine and rainbows as I mostly depict it. The road to your dreams isn’t paved with gold bricks – But I promise you one thing: You’ll walk away with something valuable today – and my word is something I always keep.
I was completely drained. The sudden sickness of my Mom left me worried and afraid. This, and many other things kept me from resting properly. For the first time in my Life, I couldn’t lift my weight. I was just laying there, repeating: “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it.“
Getting out of bed seemed impossible, even though I just cycled 110 km two weeks ago. The alarm clock went off for the 6th time that morning, but I was still under the blanket.
“How is this even possible?” I asked myself.
The reason was clear, but I didn’t yet see it.
Eventually I climbed out of bed and went to work at 7 am.
I knew that a good workout would give me the boost I need, so I was patiently cleaning through the day, waiting to finally change my clothes and hit the gym; do some handstands and my usual monkey things.
I couldn’t do any of it.
I couldn’t, in any way, use my body. This has NEVER happened to me. After struggling for 40 minutes, I gave up and went home to write a bit. There are 10+ stories waiting to be finished, but I couldn’t touch any of it. I couldn’t write a single sentence properly. That’s when it hit me.
I can’t find joy in the things that I used to love doing.
No more reading, writing or language learning.
No more training, stretching or cooking.
No more work, business or side hustling.
That’s when I came to the conclusion that Life was not meant for me.
But I was terribly wrong. And stupid.
It was ME who caused all this.
Whenever something bad happened, I tried to make up for it by doing more of these, turning them into a chore instead of something pleasurable.
Friends turning their backs?
– Let’s work more then!
Bad news from my Family?
– Bring it on, let’s put some more hours in!
Breakups, hardships; anything else that made me lose sleep;
– The more I work the better my Life will be!
The plan to drown myself in work failed miserably.
I was working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week – just to create an illusion that “The future is going to be great, as long as you work like hell today!“
So I lived for tomorrow and ignored today, but tomorrow never came.
I denied every drop of joy, telling myself “You’ll have fun when the time comes, but it’s too early!“
I ended up with a fat wallet and an empty stomach.
Chasing money got me rich, but my soul has paid for it.
I’ve lost myself on the way to my dreams – and that cost me everything.
Family, Friends, Love, Well-being. I’ve had all of it.
And lost them the second I changed.
Now that I look back it’s all clear, I know what was the mistake:
I took Life too seriously. I forgot who I am and why I came here.
Not gonna lie, I didn’t always know what I was doing – but when I did, amazing things started happening.
Great people started to gather around me, Love found me, whenever I looked for it, wonderful opportunities came in my way.
Everything fell into my lap, basically. (The Alchemist calls it “Beginner’s Luck” – and I’ve had plenty of it.)
But as the months passed by, I became impatient and greedy. I wasn’t doing things for fun anymore, but for money and fame. I started to care about what people think (that’s why I dyed my hair pink, to escape it) – but none of those are important to the Real Erik.
The people who got to know me in the first 6 months since I moved here know this.
But by that morning, the Erik they’ve known was completely gone.
“How would the best version of me solve this?”
This question can help you tackle everything.
The answer came immediately:
– Stop working. Just stop everything you hate doing.
So today I went to work with the determination to quit.
My boss was already pissed in the morning. Being a manager is a tough job and stressing is a part of it. I decided to wait until we finish.
As I was cleaning, I started to feel calm again.
“What would the best version of me do after he quits?“
– He would take his time to find himself; to not make the same mistake again.
Then, the ideas flooded in:
“I could just move again; spend some time at another place. How about France, Switzerland or Spain? It would certainly help with my 4th language. I could also visit my parents, or do something risky.
Fuck, I miss uncertainty.“
That was it.
Certainty. It’s my kryptonite.
Every great thing that happened to me when I moved here was because I was uncertain about how am I gonna solve it.
But I always do, and I’ve always did.
“Whatever happens, I can handle it“
This mentality is the biggest “Life Hack” you’ll ever need.
It’ll get you through the dark days, even if you’re in a really bad place.
So when the clock hit 12, I called my boss in the meeting room and told her that I’m leaving.
I’ve been cleaning for 8 months, it’s time for a change.
She understood what I said and printed the form the next minute.
Yesterday I was a slave to my own stupidity, dreading Life and thinking about quitting it.
Today I’m free, full of dreams and once again – uncertain about how Life will be.
“What is true for writing and for a love relationship is true also for Life. The game is worthwhile insofar as we don’t know what will be the end.”
– Michel Foucault
Remember: You always have a choice. Always.
Sometimes the options are shitty indeed, but you gotta make the best of it.
What’s the alternative?
Don’t wait until things get miserable, you’re digging your own grave.
Choose to change before it’s too late.
Take care,
Erik
12.11.2019 – Day 295
What would you do, if tomorrow was too late?
The answer is supposed to be easy. Donate stuff, call some friends, make amends.
Say goodbye to your family, co-workers, pets.
Let go of the reign.
Make peace with it.
Is that really the best way to spend your last day?
What about the Dreams you’ve had, the Promises you’ve made?
It may not be enough to explore a Country, but it’s more than enough to see a beautiful city.
You might not get to save the World from hunger, but you could invite a homeless person for dinner.
You may not get married, but you could have the most spontaneous date.
There isn’t enough time to do great things, but there is plenty of time to do small things in a great way.
What would you do, if you were free?
Free to do whatever you wish, because tomorrow doesn’t exist.
If I died the next day, I’d call my parents and tell them how amazing it was to get to see all this. Without them, I wouldn’t be here.
Just imagine how it would feel like being an oak tree. A brick wall, or a chewing toy for a Husky. Your atoms could be rearranged in a way that you’d end up as a plate of veggies 82 light-years away.
But you’re here, reading this.
Your heart is still beating, even if just for a day.
I would also propose a marriage.
Kneel down and say: “You’d make the best Mom the World has ever seen, a Wife of every men’s Dream. You have the most beautiful Soul in the entire Galaxy, and the way you shine…There is just nothing like it.”
A few moments ago, I literally said that you can’t do it.
But who am I, or anyone – to tell you what can and can’t be done?
If that’s what you really want, go ahead and have fun.
Tomorrow you’ll be gone – shoot for the moon just this once.
Wouldn’t you want to know what happens when you follow your heart?
At last, I would write a post.
A post about Life, and how easily it can be torn from us.
To let others know about the value of every minute they spend here – because is there any guarantee, that you’ll get to see the next morning?
Do you know for sure that your dreams will wait, because “I’ve got a lot of years ahead of me, I’ll do it one day“
But if a bus driver doesn’t spot you on the left this evening, could an accident end everything? You bet, and it may will.
What’s the one thing you’ve had on your mind ever since you started reading? That one idea, place or feeling. The words you would say.
What is the thing you’d regret the most if you passed away?
There, you may find the answers you’ve been seeking for years.
Every today is special, in a way. It has never happened before, and it’ll never happen again.
Remember that and take care,
Erik
Road to a New Life 